Shailaza's Blog

Tag: fomo

  • The Social Pandemic of FOMO

    The issue with FOMO is that it isn’t just about the fear of missing out on experiences or things that you think will change your life. Instead, it is also about envying those who seem to have it all. The problem is that appearances are not just deceptive but also confusing and depressing at times!

    FOMO is used by marketeers to sell products

     Inspiring jealousy

    How many of us feel good checking out a friend’s post who is having a great time in London or a celebrity cosying up to their partner or showing off their palatial homes? As humans, we love to outsmart our peers and when we cannot do that, jealousy follows.

    “Perhaps, the most negative aspect of social media is the envy and jealousy that you experience when seeing someone else’s success,” says Dr. Abhimanyou Siingh Raathore, a psychologist, brain health coach and clinical hypnotherapist, “There are somethings that can be changed but there are somethings that cannot be changed. So, for example, if you are browsing posts of rich people like the Ambanis or some actors or some other celebrity or influencer, you are bound to sigh over their lifestyle. That causes not just jealousy but a fear of inadequacy because for some people, no matter how hard they try, they will never be able to match up to that lifestyle or affluence or wealth which sometimes can inspire people to go in the wrong direction too!”

    “In the earlier times, there was a distinct difference between a celebrity and a common man”, says Dr. Mansi Dubey, a psychologist. “Celebrities were people who were popular in the media and had a fan following. “Earlier, the celebrities were known as stars. Just like the stars, they could be seen but not every one could acquire that kind of status or position. Today, things have changed. As a result of the social media, the celebrities have become more relatable and hence people have started believing that they too can become a celebrity. However, if they aren’t able to command that kind of following on the social media, jealousy and dissatisfaction invariably follow!”

    Fault finding

    “FOMO also causes an inferiority complex which leads to a constant mental chatter in the brain. Most of this chatter is about whatever is wrong  or missing in our lives and how our lives will completely change if we find that one thing that everyone has,” says Dr. Manasi Dubey.

    Dr. Abhimanyou believes that our brains were wired for fault finding. “That was because we had to survive in harsh conditions and our internal critic kept us on our toes. To ensure our survival, we had to constantly scan the environment for any threats or predators or problems. Now, we are no longer living in the jungle but the instincts haven’t changed. Now the fault finding has become internal. We have a mental radio which keeps playing one sided conversations like “My clothes aren’t as good as the other, my house or job or even spouse isn’t as good as the other” or “I should be at this event or that event otherwise I may miss out on something” or “I should find a better partner, a better job or better city”. This fault finding has a lasting effect in relationships, jobs and levels of mental satisfaction.”

    Comparison kills

    One day, my daughter burst into my room and said, “Why cannot I be like her? Why can’t I sing like that friend of mine and dance like this other friend of mine?” When I asked her why she was upset, she said that she was tired of them constantly bragging about their skills and accomplishments in the class and she felt that she did not possess the talent that they had.

    “How can you compare apples to oranges?” asks Dr. Abhimanyou. “What we don’t understand is that human beings are not mass produced. Each one of us completely and distinctly unique in how we realize and express our creativity. If each one of us is unique, the question of comparison does not arise. So, when one compares a celebrity’s post to an engineer’s post, obviously the audience and every thing else will be different. But when the engineer sees the likes he has received and unconsciously compares it to those received by the celebrity, he feels frustrated.”

    For likes or experience?

    Whether it is about the latest gadgets or travel, every one seems to be posting well clicked selfies all the time. The constant upload of clicks and pictures makes people feel that they are missing out on such a lot of fun! “These days, I wonder if people visit new places to take selfies or enjoy or touch or feel the experience,” says Abhimanyou. “They are more bothered about clicking the picture of the food rather than relishing its taste. The validation of their entire experience is not about their own pleasure but about the likes they received on their social media. I sometimes feel we have commoditized ourselves to such an extent that most of our lives are not driven by owning the experience. Instead, we are just looking for a tick in the box.”

    FOMO copycats         

    If you are on the social media, you may have noticed that if a song or meme goes viral, everyone starts copying it and posting it on their channels. According to Dr. Abhimanyou, this is again about the fear of missing out- this time on success.

     “ As a result of FOMO, no one wants to miss out on the success and thus people are now scared of rejections and failures. This also creates a lack of consistency and displaced motivations. Today, people don’t work on something for the greater good or for creating something. Instead, they do it to get likes, attention and publicity. So, the moment they realize that their plan will not give them what they are looking for or an easier path to it, they drop the idea and follow the herd. It’s so simple, isn’t it? A song goes viral and every one from celebrities to influencers create videos around that song. People are not interested in creating something new or something for the greater good of the society because that requires time, patience and dedication.”

    Deceptive Appearances

    “Fake Famous”, is a documentary film directed by Nick Bilton. The documentary is about a social experiment involving three ordinary people who attempt to become social media influencers by “faking” fame. For example, one of the people pose next to a toilet seat cover which is passed off as an airplane’s window giving the viewers a false impression that she has a very jet setting life.  Dr. Abhimanyou feels, “The problem behind FOMO is the information asymmetry. What we don’t ask or wonder is that is all this really true? Are these smiling people truly having a great time or is this all a farce?”

    Freedom from FOMO

    In the movie “Yeh Jawani Hai Deewani”, Ranbir Kapoor tells Deepika Padukone that he wants to see everything in Udaipur and does not want to miss the light and sound show. Deepika Padukone replies, “ Jitna bhi koshish karo, kuch na kuch to miss hoga. Isliye jahan hain, wahin ka maza lete hain na.” (No matter how hard you try, you will end up missing something or the other. So, its better to enjoy this moment here). 

    “Today, though we have more affluence and comforts than our ancestors could ever dream of, the lack of gratitude does not let us appreciate our own blessings,” says Mansi Dubey. “We are constantly trying to collect things and experience rather than live them. The gratitude aspect is missing in our lives.”

    Dr.Abhimanyu agrees, “The best way to get rid of FOMO is to disconnect from the social media and count your own blessings. Not even the Queen of United Kingdom has it all, so why even try? Instead, count your own blessings and walk your own path. That is what is the purpose of our lives,”

    This article was published in Rashtradoot Newspaper’s Arbit Section on 22 September 2021

  • Fear of Missing Out – The More is Less Pandemic

    A new pandemic has been sweeping the land. However, unlike COVID, this pandemic does not spread by sneezing or physical contact. Instead, it spreads through people sharing status updates, videos or photos every now and then. The classic symptoms include a deep feeling of dissatisfaction, jealousy and a need to be always in the limelight.

    The Fear of Missing Out

    The first FOMO case


    A long time ago, even before the beginning of time, there lived a woman called Eve and a man named Adam in a garden called paradise. Adam and Eve were quite happy in this garden. They had the freshest fruits to eat, clean air, flowing water and everything else that they could possibly want. This garden was a gift from Adam’s father who had created this paradise for his children. It was a huge garden and they could freely roam in it. However, there was condition. They could not eat the delicious apples that hung from the tree of knowledge. Initially, Eve did not pay much attention to this aspect as she was busy exploring the garden. After a while, however, when she had finished exploring everything, she started wondering about this apple tree. One day, as she sat in its shade wondering if the apples were sweet enough, a serpent slithered up to her. He pretended to be her friend and asked her to at least try one of the apples. When she resisted the idea, he tempted her and said that she might miss out on the knowledge of good and evil. Perhaps, if she gets that knowledge, they might even become greater than Adam’s father. Eve did not want to miss out on the opportunity to prove herself to be better than Adam’s father, so she ate the apple and shared some with Adam. When they ate the apple, they were hit with the realization that they weren’t wearing any clothes. So, they hid when Adam’s father came to meet them. Soon, he realized that they had disobeyed him and banished them out of his paradise. Thus, Eve and Adam became the first classic case of FOMO or the fear of missing out.


    The first in everything


    When I read the modified story of Adam and Eve in Patrick James McGinnis’ book ‘Fear of Missing Out: Practical Decision Making in a World of Overwhelming Choice’, I remembered another story that I had read long back. This was a part of Chacha Chaudhary’s adventures, an old man whose brain worked faster than a computer. One of my favourite comic strip was about a boy who wanted to be the first for everything. The boy’s mother was quite proud of her son who made sure that he was first in the line for anything, whether supermarket or toy store or ice-cream. One day, Chacha Chaudhary and Sabu meet this boy sitting near a construction site. They ask the mother about it. The mother proudly tells them that her son is waiting for this football factory to be built so that he can be the first to get the first football.
    At the time, I did not thing much of this comic strip. When I narrated this story to my father, we just chuckled at the idea and thought the entire idea was quite preposterous! After all, who would go to that extent for anything? Life was not all that complicated in those days. Yes, there have been shows like ‘Keeping Up with the Joneses’ which inspired people to spy and sometimes emulate their more affluent neighbours, relatives (London wale uncle or US wali aunty) and friends but then that was it.

    Invaded by #FOMO
    The word FOMO or the fear of missing out is a recent addition to my personal dictionary. About a couple of years back, my daughter and I had gone to a fete. I told my daughter that we had to get back in two hours because I had an appointment. My daughter agreed. When we reached the fete, my daughter kept running from one stall to the other. She would buy something to eat and then go running to another stall to check it out. “What is the hurry?” I asked her. She said, “I don’t want to miss out on any of the stalls.”
    A few days earlier, my daughter who loves art and dance wanted to enrol in every kind of dance there was and that too in the online classes. Why did she want to do it? Simply because her friend had opted for not just classical and western but also ballet too. So, she too did not want to miss out on the experience.
    These incidents made me realize that FOMO had invaded my life too. Earlier, whenever my mother used to talk about how the other children are studying for long hours or participating in this or that, I used to brush it off as her concern. But now, I realized that Corona was not the only pandemic in my life. I also had FOMO to deal with. The only difference- the medicines for FOMO are not available in any store in the world. But I had to know more about it.
    In your face
    “FOMO has been there from the very beginning of our lives. But today, because of the social media, it is in our face,” says Dr. Abhimanyou Siingh Raathore, psychologist, brain health coach and clinical hypnotherapist. “Everyone’s status is in your face, everyone’s pictures are in your face. Today, you don’t have to go to someone’s house or meet someone physically to know the latest events in their lives. Social media can give you a minute-by-minute update with pictures, activities and a detailed description. And this doesn’t not help you to feel better about yourself.”
    Agrees psychologist Dr. Manasi Das, “When a lot of information is being shoved on to you, it naturally gives rise to a feeling of inadequacy or not doing enough. There are times even I as a counsellor feel that I am not doing as much as I should because I see everyone updating their status and feed by the hour on Facebook or Instagram or other social media channels. Someone is doing this program, someone is doing that discussion, someone is raising some awareness, which naturally makes me feel that everyone is doing something and I are not. If that can happen to a person like me, who is quite well aware of this phenomenon, imagine what it can do to people who are unaware!”


    The Indian context
    So, is there any difference in the Indian FOMO and the FOMO people experience in other countries? “Historically speaking, if you look at the Indian culture, besides comparing our lives with our neighbours and friends, we didn’t have much of FOMO earlier because we had a concept called ‘kismet’ or ‘destiny’,” says Abhimanyou. “We had concepts like karma, and kismet which helped people top make peace with what they couldn’t achieve. Moreover, there was also a concept of being content with whatever one had. However, we are slowly losing touch with that spiritual aspect.”
    “The Hindu mythology had goddesses like Santoshi Mata who was said to be a goddess of contentment because Santosh means satisfaction or contentment. Santoshi Mata herself was a daughter of Lord Ganesha, the harbinger of new things and his wives Riddhi (prosperity) and Siddhi (spiritual power). She was also said to be the sister of Ganesha’s sons Shubh (auspicious) and Labh (profit). So basically, the real meaning was that exploring your own abilities and creating your own challenges will help you to create prosperity and profit which will lead to inner peace and contentment. However, these days people are not bothered about exploring their own creativity and abilities. As a result, we are not even satisfied when we have more profit and prosperity because we are constantly being bombarded with information about other people’s achievements, happiness and prosperity.”


    …To be continued

    This article by Shailaza Singh was published in Rashtradoot’s Arbit Section on 21 September 2021

  • Dating Game App(tly) Played

    Today, it is easy to be with someone without a relationship. The dating apps are almost like a television remote where you can change channels whenever you want. Despite this, the dating scene seems to have become an apocalypse in the waiting as gleaned from the article titled “Tinder and the dating apocalypse” published in Vanity Fair.

    What women want?


    “Since the emergence of flappers and “moderns” in the 1920s, the debate about what is lost and gained for women in casual sex has been raging, and is raging still—particularly among women. Some, like Atlantic writer Hanna Rosin, see hookup culture as a boon: “The hookup culture is … bound up with everything that’s fabulous about being a young woman in 2012—the freedom, the confidence.” But others lament the way the extreme casualness of sex in the age of Tinder leaves many women feeling de-valued. “It’s rare for a woman of our generation to meet a man who treats her like a priority instead of an option,” wrote Erica Gordon on the Gen Y Web site Elite Daily, in 2014.”
    I have always believed that despite all the new age feminism, most women are emotional beings for whom physical intimacy is a result of an emotional and mental connection with their partners. Many of them still believe in waiting for someone who will connect with them not just on the physical level but also on an emotional level. However, the exodus of men to the dating apps seem to have reduced the possibility of developing an emotional bond which has resulted in short lived marriages, increased divorces and more extra marital affairs.


    “It is the very abundance of options provided by online dating which may be making men less inclined to treat any particular woman as a “priority,” according to David Buss, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin who specializes in the evolution of human sexuality. “Apps like Tinder and OkCupid give people the impression that there are thousands or millions of potential mates out there,” Buss says. “One dimension of this is the impact it has on men’s psychology. When there is a surplus of women, or a perceived surplus of women, the whole mating system tends to shift towards short-term dating. Marriages become unstable. Divorces increase. Men don’t have to commit, so they pursue a short-term mating strategy. Men are making that shift, and women are forced to go along with it in order to mate at all.”
    The obvious change in men’s mentality has also caused many women to reprogram their own value system. After all, what’s the point of running after something which does not even exist? In this case, it is romance and fidelity!
    “I think that iPhones and dating apps have really changed the way that dating happens for our generation,” says Stephanie, the one with an arm full of bracelets.
    “There is no dating. There’s no relationships,” says Amanda, the tall elegant one. “They’re rare. You can have a fling that could last like seven, eight months and you could never actually call someone your ‘boyfriend.’ [Hooking up] is a lot easier. No one gets hurt—well, not on the surface.”They give a wary laugh.
    They say they think their own anxiety about intimacy comes from having “grown up on social media,” so “we don’t know how to talk to each other face-to-face.” “You form your first impression based off Facebook rather than forming a connection with someone.”

    ‘The I don’t care” line
    With most men on dating apps to have a good time, women don’t have an option but to follow them. However, subduing their natural emotional instinct and putting on a ‘I don’t care” face is also a daunting prospect for many.
    “When it comes to hooking up, they say, it’s not as simple as just having sex. “It’s such a game, and you have to always be doing everything right, and if not, you risk losing whoever you’re hooking up with,” says Fallon, the soft-spoken one. By “doing everything right” she means “texting back too soon; never double texting; liking the right amount of his stuff,” on social media.
    “And it reaches a point,” says Jane, “where, if you receive a text message” from a guy, “you forward the message to, like, seven different people: ‘What do I say back? Oh my God, he just texted me!’ It becomes a surprise. ‘He texted me!’ Which is really sad.”
    “If he texts you before midnight he actually likes you as a person. If it’s after midnight, it’s just for your body,” says Amanda. It’s not, she says, that women don’t want to have sex. “Who doesn’t want to have sex? But it feels bad when they’re like, ‘See ya.’ ”
    “It seems like the girls don’t have any control over the situation, and it should not be like that at all,” Fallon says.
    “It’s a contest to see who cares less, and guys win a lot at caring less,” Amanda says.”


    Double Standards Kill Self Esteem
    So, does that mean that for men, nothing matters more than physical intimacy? Does it also imply that having emotions is a sign of weakness when it comes to women? Have the women just been reduced to pieces of meat or it is the new age feminism which believes women are equal to men in all respects including meaningless physical encounters?
    “Sex should stem from emotional intimacy, and it’s the opposite with us right now, and I think it really is kind of destroying females’ self-images,” says Fallon.
    “It’s body first, personality second,” says Stephanie.
    “Honestly, I feel like the body doesn’t even matter to them as long as you’re willing,” says Reese. “It’s that bad.”
    “But if you say any of this out loud, it’s like you’re weak, you’re not independent, you somehow missed the whole memo about third-wave feminism,” says Amanda.”
    But does that mean these dating apps have helped in liberating women from the pre conceived age old notions of how women should behave even in the western world?
    I ask if they’re aware of the double standard that’s often applied to women when it comes to physical intimacy. “The double standard is real,” Nick says. “If I’m a guy and I’m going out with a different girl every night, my friends are gonna give me high-fives and we’re gonna crack a beer and talk about it. Girls do the same, but they get judged. I don’t want it to be like that, but sometimes the world is the way it is and I can’t change it, so I just embrace it.”

    All fun no relationships


    Life for women may not still be easy but the dating apps have made life easier for men because they no longer have to have a relationship to satisfy their physical desires.


    “They all say they don’t want to be in relationships. “I don’t want one,” says Nick. “I don’t want to have to deal with all that—stuff.”
    “You can’t be selfish in a relationship,” Brian says. “It feels good just to do what I want.”
    I ask them if it ever feels like they lack a deeper connection with someone.
    There’s a small silence. After a moment, John says, “I think at some points it does.”
    “But that’s assuming that that’s something that I want, which I don’t,” Nick says, a trifle annoyed. “Does that mean that my life is lacking something? I’m perfectly happy. I have a good time. I go to work—I’m busy. And when I’m not, I go out with my friends.”
    “Or you meet someone on Tinder,” offers John.
    “Exactly,” Nick says. “Tinder is fast and easy, boom-boom-boom, swipe.”

    FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)


    Earlier, once committed, people had to contend themselves with their partners. The more adventurous ones probably had a fling or two on the site. However, these days, the dating apps have been able to make both men and women believe that they can always find someone better, smarter and sexier when it comes to the opposite sex. Naturally, today’s generation doesn’t want to miss that chance. In that sense, it increases the fear of missing out.


    “They play the game the exact same way. They have a bunch of people going at the same time—they’re fielding their options. They’re always looking for somebody better, who has a better job or more money.” A few young women admitted to me that they use dating apps as a way to get free meals. “I call it Tinder food stamps,” one said.”
    But does that mean that both men and women will no longer be satisfied with whatever they have? Will they lose the bird in hand for the two in the bush?
    “According to Christopher Ryan, one of the co-authors of Sex at Dawn (2010), human beings are not sexually monogamous by nature. The book contends that, for much of human history, men and women have taken multiple sex partners as a commonly accepted (and evolutionarily beneficial) practice. The thesis, controversial and widely criticized by anthropologists and evolutionary biologists, didn’t keep the book from being an international best-seller; it seemed to be something people were ready to hear.”
    Though this article was about the dating scene in America, where people are considered more sexually liberated than India, it seems to be holding true in in India as well. Divorces, casual encounters, extra marital and no strings attached relationships are on a rise. More and more men and women are adapting the ‘bed and forget’ culture which allows them to ‘hook up’ with as many number of people as they like. Though many would say this is the new age liberalism but is it really? Is this a signal of better days or the end of trust, commitment and integrity which were an fundamental part of a beautiful relationship between two people?

    This article by Shailaza Singh was published in Rashtradoot’s Arbit section on 6 September 2021