Shailaza's Blog

Tag: tinder

  • Dating Game App(tly) Played

    Today, it is easy to be with someone without a relationship. The dating apps are almost like a television remote where you can change channels whenever you want. Despite this, the dating scene seems to have become an apocalypse in the waiting as gleaned from the article titled “Tinder and the dating apocalypse” published in Vanity Fair.

    What women want?


    “Since the emergence of flappers and “moderns” in the 1920s, the debate about what is lost and gained for women in casual sex has been raging, and is raging still—particularly among women. Some, like Atlantic writer Hanna Rosin, see hookup culture as a boon: “The hookup culture is … bound up with everything that’s fabulous about being a young woman in 2012—the freedom, the confidence.” But others lament the way the extreme casualness of sex in the age of Tinder leaves many women feeling de-valued. “It’s rare for a woman of our generation to meet a man who treats her like a priority instead of an option,” wrote Erica Gordon on the Gen Y Web site Elite Daily, in 2014.”
    I have always believed that despite all the new age feminism, most women are emotional beings for whom physical intimacy is a result of an emotional and mental connection with their partners. Many of them still believe in waiting for someone who will connect with them not just on the physical level but also on an emotional level. However, the exodus of men to the dating apps seem to have reduced the possibility of developing an emotional bond which has resulted in short lived marriages, increased divorces and more extra marital affairs.


    “It is the very abundance of options provided by online dating which may be making men less inclined to treat any particular woman as a “priority,” according to David Buss, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin who specializes in the evolution of human sexuality. “Apps like Tinder and OkCupid give people the impression that there are thousands or millions of potential mates out there,” Buss says. “One dimension of this is the impact it has on men’s psychology. When there is a surplus of women, or a perceived surplus of women, the whole mating system tends to shift towards short-term dating. Marriages become unstable. Divorces increase. Men don’t have to commit, so they pursue a short-term mating strategy. Men are making that shift, and women are forced to go along with it in order to mate at all.”
    The obvious change in men’s mentality has also caused many women to reprogram their own value system. After all, what’s the point of running after something which does not even exist? In this case, it is romance and fidelity!
    “I think that iPhones and dating apps have really changed the way that dating happens for our generation,” says Stephanie, the one with an arm full of bracelets.
    “There is no dating. There’s no relationships,” says Amanda, the tall elegant one. “They’re rare. You can have a fling that could last like seven, eight months and you could never actually call someone your ‘boyfriend.’ [Hooking up] is a lot easier. No one gets hurt—well, not on the surface.”They give a wary laugh.
    They say they think their own anxiety about intimacy comes from having “grown up on social media,” so “we don’t know how to talk to each other face-to-face.” “You form your first impression based off Facebook rather than forming a connection with someone.”

    ‘The I don’t care” line
    With most men on dating apps to have a good time, women don’t have an option but to follow them. However, subduing their natural emotional instinct and putting on a ‘I don’t care” face is also a daunting prospect for many.
    “When it comes to hooking up, they say, it’s not as simple as just having sex. “It’s such a game, and you have to always be doing everything right, and if not, you risk losing whoever you’re hooking up with,” says Fallon, the soft-spoken one. By “doing everything right” she means “texting back too soon; never double texting; liking the right amount of his stuff,” on social media.
    “And it reaches a point,” says Jane, “where, if you receive a text message” from a guy, “you forward the message to, like, seven different people: ‘What do I say back? Oh my God, he just texted me!’ It becomes a surprise. ‘He texted me!’ Which is really sad.”
    “If he texts you before midnight he actually likes you as a person. If it’s after midnight, it’s just for your body,” says Amanda. It’s not, she says, that women don’t want to have sex. “Who doesn’t want to have sex? But it feels bad when they’re like, ‘See ya.’ ”
    “It seems like the girls don’t have any control over the situation, and it should not be like that at all,” Fallon says.
    “It’s a contest to see who cares less, and guys win a lot at caring less,” Amanda says.”


    Double Standards Kill Self Esteem
    So, does that mean that for men, nothing matters more than physical intimacy? Does it also imply that having emotions is a sign of weakness when it comes to women? Have the women just been reduced to pieces of meat or it is the new age feminism which believes women are equal to men in all respects including meaningless physical encounters?
    “Sex should stem from emotional intimacy, and it’s the opposite with us right now, and I think it really is kind of destroying females’ self-images,” says Fallon.
    “It’s body first, personality second,” says Stephanie.
    “Honestly, I feel like the body doesn’t even matter to them as long as you’re willing,” says Reese. “It’s that bad.”
    “But if you say any of this out loud, it’s like you’re weak, you’re not independent, you somehow missed the whole memo about third-wave feminism,” says Amanda.”
    But does that mean these dating apps have helped in liberating women from the pre conceived age old notions of how women should behave even in the western world?
    I ask if they’re aware of the double standard that’s often applied to women when it comes to physical intimacy. “The double standard is real,” Nick says. “If I’m a guy and I’m going out with a different girl every night, my friends are gonna give me high-fives and we’re gonna crack a beer and talk about it. Girls do the same, but they get judged. I don’t want it to be like that, but sometimes the world is the way it is and I can’t change it, so I just embrace it.”

    All fun no relationships


    Life for women may not still be easy but the dating apps have made life easier for men because they no longer have to have a relationship to satisfy their physical desires.


    “They all say they don’t want to be in relationships. “I don’t want one,” says Nick. “I don’t want to have to deal with all that—stuff.”
    “You can’t be selfish in a relationship,” Brian says. “It feels good just to do what I want.”
    I ask them if it ever feels like they lack a deeper connection with someone.
    There’s a small silence. After a moment, John says, “I think at some points it does.”
    “But that’s assuming that that’s something that I want, which I don’t,” Nick says, a trifle annoyed. “Does that mean that my life is lacking something? I’m perfectly happy. I have a good time. I go to work—I’m busy. And when I’m not, I go out with my friends.”
    “Or you meet someone on Tinder,” offers John.
    “Exactly,” Nick says. “Tinder is fast and easy, boom-boom-boom, swipe.”

    FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)


    Earlier, once committed, people had to contend themselves with their partners. The more adventurous ones probably had a fling or two on the site. However, these days, the dating apps have been able to make both men and women believe that they can always find someone better, smarter and sexier when it comes to the opposite sex. Naturally, today’s generation doesn’t want to miss that chance. In that sense, it increases the fear of missing out.


    “They play the game the exact same way. They have a bunch of people going at the same time—they’re fielding their options. They’re always looking for somebody better, who has a better job or more money.” A few young women admitted to me that they use dating apps as a way to get free meals. “I call it Tinder food stamps,” one said.”
    But does that mean that both men and women will no longer be satisfied with whatever they have? Will they lose the bird in hand for the two in the bush?
    “According to Christopher Ryan, one of the co-authors of Sex at Dawn (2010), human beings are not sexually monogamous by nature. The book contends that, for much of human history, men and women have taken multiple sex partners as a commonly accepted (and evolutionarily beneficial) practice. The thesis, controversial and widely criticized by anthropologists and evolutionary biologists, didn’t keep the book from being an international best-seller; it seemed to be something people were ready to hear.”
    Though this article was about the dating scene in America, where people are considered more sexually liberated than India, it seems to be holding true in in India as well. Divorces, casual encounters, extra marital and no strings attached relationships are on a rise. More and more men and women are adapting the ‘bed and forget’ culture which allows them to ‘hook up’ with as many number of people as they like. Though many would say this is the new age liberalism but is it really? Is this a signal of better days or the end of trust, commitment and integrity which were an fundamental part of a beautiful relationship between two people?

    This article by Shailaza Singh was published in Rashtradoot’s Arbit section on 6 September 2021

  • The “Hookup” Song

    The article titled “Tinder and the Dawn of Dating Apocalypse” by Nancy Jo Sales which was published in the well known magazine Vanity Fair some years ago had sparked a social media war between Tinder and Vanity Fair. It talked about how Tinder and other such apps have inspired a new mindset where casual physical intimacy has become more important than romance, relationships and ‘happily ever afters’.

    (Italicized paragraphs are direct quotes from the article)

    ‘It’s a balmy night in Manhattan’s financial district, and at a sports bar called Stout, everyone is Tindering. The tables are filled with young women and men who’ve been chasing money and deals on Wall Street all day, and now they’re out looking for hookups.”
    I recently read this paragraph in an article titled ‘Tinder and the Dawn of Dating Apocalypse’ . Had I read this article some years back, I would have wondered about the meaning of the word ‘hookup’. However, now I know it means casual sexual encounters or even beginning of a relationship. The interesting bit is that when this article was published some years back, the people at Tinder, the well known dating platform had taken offense to it and had blasted Vanity Fair. In turn, Tinder was attacked by netizens, which resulted in such a backlash that Tinder’s CEO Chris Payne was replaced within 24 hours after the company’s official account went on tweeting spree against Nancy Joe Payne, the journalist who wrote the article.
    The article is quite interesting because it talks about the new age mindset of men and even women when it comes to dating.


    “Guys view everything as a competition,” he elaborates with his deep, reassuring voice. “Who’s slept with the best, hottest girls?” With these dating apps, he says, “you’re always sort of prowling. You could talk to two or three girls at a bar and pick the best one, or you can swipe a couple hundred people a day—the sample size is so much larger. It’s setting up two or three Tinder dates a week and, chances are, sleeping with all of them, so you could rack up 100 girls you’ve slept with in a year.”


    Tinderella Replaces Cinderella
    Gone are the days when life was as simple as Cinderella waiting for her Prince Charming. Today’s modern Casanovas don’t want to do the happily ever after. Infact, not even close. All they want is a ‘Tinderella’- someone they can bed and forget.


    “He says that he himself has slept with five different women he met on Tinder—“Tinderellas,” the guys call them—in the last eight days. Dan and Marty, also Alex’s roommates in a shiny high-rise apartment building near Wall Street, can vouch for that. In fact, they can remember whom Alex has slept with in the past week more readily than he can.”


    The death of romance


    If you look at the Indian scenario, most old time movies or even the new age ones, have some semblance of romance even if the guy is ultimately trying to entice the girl into physical intimacy. Time was spent in befriending or courting the girl. However, as the author says Tinder and other such apps have changed the dynamics, at least in the western world. To some, this game would appear more sinister than ever.


    “And yet a lack of an intimate knowledge of his potential sex partners never presents him with an obstacle to physical intimacy, Alex says. Alex, his friends agree, is a Tinder King, a young man of such deft “text game”—“That’s the ability to actually convince someone to do something over text,” Marty explains—that he is able to entice young women into his bed on the basis of a few text exchanges, while letting them know up front he is not interested in having a relationship.”
    But Marty, who prefers Hinge to Tinder (“Hinge is my thing”), is no slouch at “racking up girls.” He says he’s slept with 30 to 40 women in the last year: “I sort of play that I could be a boyfriend kind of guy,” in order to win them over, “but then they start wanting me to care more … and I just don’t.”
    “Dude, that’s not cool,” Alex chides in his warm way. “I always make a point of disclosing I’m not looking for anything serious. I just wanna hang out, be friends, see what happens … If I were ever in a court of law I could point to the transcript.” But something about the whole scenario seems to bother him, despite all his mild-mannered bravado. “I think to an extent it is, like, sinister,” he says, “ ‘cause I know that the average girl will think that there’s a chance that she can turn the tables. If I were like, Hey, I just wanna bone, very few people would want to meet up with you …


    A Changed Dating Game


    Does that mean that men can no longer be trusted when they show that they are interested in you or even when they utter those three magical words? Does this mean that romance as we know it is over and has simply become a convenient ploy to get cosy with a woman? What is the reason for this change?


    “I call it the Dating Apocalypse,” says a woman in New York, aged 29.
    As the polar ice caps melt and the earth churns through the Sixth Extinction, another unprecedented phenomenon is taking place, in the realm of sex. Hookup culture, which has been percolating for about a hundred years, has collided with dating apps, which have acted like a wayward meteor on the now dinosaur-like rituals of courtship. “We are in uncharted territory” when it comes to Tinder et al., says Justin Garcia, a research scientist at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction. “There have been two major transitions” in heterosexual mating “in the last four million years,” he says. “The first was around 10,000 to 15,000 years ago, in the agricultural revolution, when we became less migratory and more settled,” leading to the establishment of marriage as a cultural contract. “And the second major transition is with the rise of the Internet.”
    People used to meet their partners through proximity, through family and friends, but now Internet meeting is surpassing every other form. “It’s changing so much about the way we act both romantically and sexually,” Garcia says. “It is unprecedented from an evolutionary standpoint.” As soon as people could go online they were using it as a way to find partners to date and have sex with. In the 90s it was Craigslist and AOL chat rooms, then Match.com and Kiss.com. But the lengthy, heartfelt e-mails exchanged by the main characters in You’ve Got Mail (1998) seem positively Victorian in comparison to the messages sent on the average dating app today.”


    Pressing the right button
    Indeed, internet has changed a lot of things in our world, including relationships. However, with the advent of mobile phones, getting someone by pressing a button has become all the more easy.


    “Mobile dating went mainstream about five years ago; by 2012 it was overtaking online dating. In February, one study reported there were nearly 100 million people—perhaps 50 million on Tinder alone—using their phones as a sort of all-day, every-day, handheld singles club, where they might find a sex partner as easily as they’d find a cheap flight to Florida. “It’s like ordering Seamless,” says Dan, the investment banker, referring to the online food-delivery service. “But you’re ordering a person.”


    Options Galore
    Food delivery apps and dating apps have one thing in common. Depending on your preferences, there are plenty to choose from and there is no dearth of options when it comes to the menu.


    “The comparison to online shopping seems an apt one. Dating apps are the free-market economy come to sex. The innovation of Tinder was the swipe—the flick of a finger on a picture, no more elaborate profiles necessary and no more fear of rejection; users only know whether they’ve been approved, never when they’ve been discarded. OkCupid soon adopted the function. Hinge, which allows for more information about a match’s circle of friends through Facebook, and Happn, which enables G.P.S. tracking to show whether matches have recently “crossed paths,” use it too. It’s telling that swiping has been jocularly incorporated into advertisements for various products, a nod to the notion that, online, the act of choosing consumer brands and sex partners has become interchangeable.”


    Instant Gratification
    When Maggi, was first advertised as instant noodles which cooked be cooked in ‘two minutes’, not many realized that the claim was simply a marketing gimmick. Cooking Maggi was more than a two minute job, sometimes, even ten minutes depending on the recipe. But Maggi could satisfy your hunger more quickly as compared to the painstaking ‘sabzi and roti’ which took time, effort and expertise, which is why it became more popular. The dating apps seem to be following a similar path.


    “It’s instant gratification,” says Jason, 26, a Brooklyn photographer, “and a validation of your own attractiveness by just, like, swiping your thumb on an app. You see some pretty girl and you swipe and it’s, like, oh, she thinks you’re attractive too, so it’s really addicting, and you just find yourself mindlessly doing it.” “Sex has become so easy,” says John, 26, a marketing executive in New York. “I can go on my phone right now and no doubt I can find someone I can have sex with this evening, probably before midnight.”


    …To be continued

    The Hook up song

    This article by Shailaza Singh appeared in Rashtradoot’s Arbit section on Sunday, 5 September 2021

  • LOVE VIRTUALLY- GAMES PEOPLE PLAY

    The online dating apps have proved to be a life saver for the trapped or even unattached Indian men (and even women) who are looking for a ‘little bit of fun’. These apps promise them an exciting world full of beauty, adventure and anonymity from the comfort of their computers!

    The phone is a convenient tool for people who seek love online

    In the movie, ‘Yeh Jawani Hai Deewani’, Ranbir Kapoor says, ‘ Shaadi is dal chawal for pachaas saal till you die. Arre life mein thoda bahut keema pav, tangdi kabab, hakka noodle bhi hona chahiye na?’ (Shaadi is rice and lentils for the next fifty years till you die. One should have a bit of keema pav, kebab, hakka noodles too, isn’t it?)
    This sentiment has been echoed time and again in most Hindi movies, where the poor husband has no choice but to listen to his wife for the rest of his life. It doesn’t matter whether it is an arranged marriage or the one done out of love. The husband cannot help but be tormented by his ever present wife. In movies like Pati, Patni Aur Woh, Sanjeev Kumar loves his wife Vidya Sinha but later falls for Ranjeeta who is obviously more beautiful and desirable. From then till now, countless movies like Biwi No.1 and many more have depicted the adventures of husbands who are fed up with dal chawal and go out to seek more in the world. More often than not they are caught in the end or suffer a heartbreak by the other woman and apologize the wife. But does it really impact their appetite or quest for variety?
    The advent of apps like Tinder, Aisle, Truly Madly has probably come as an answer to the collective prayers of those poor Indian men who have been desperately looking for some kind of distraction or fun on the side which can spice up their mundane existence. Not all men on these apps are married, some of them are looking for partners because they have been divorced or widowed or were never married in the first place. But then, we all know dating is not as easy as it sounds. It is a game which has been played between men and women for centuries. Earlier, the women played coy, made the men chase them, woo them or even invest in them. Most of these games haven’t changed- they have just been transferred into the online world.


    Dating Games


    The online world is an interesting place. You can see a man or a woman sitting on the bed or the couch engrossed in their phones, perhaps with a slight smile or a frown on their face and you would not suspect a thing! You wouldn’t know if the man is trying to woo a woman or doing his office work. This is particularly the case of the poor unsuspecting wife in the lockdown who thinks that her oh-so-sincere husband is working from home to ensure that the money flow is not interrupted. She does not question him because he is there right in front of her eyes, looking perfectly innocent! When he gets a phone call, he steps out for hours because he tells her that the background noises in the house tend to disturb his conversations. She agrees and lets him go. After all, what can he do amidst the prying eyes of the neighbours? He is only talking to people in his office! Isn’t he?
    Sumit, 41 has been working from home since last year. Initially, he found it quite boring because there was nothing else to do except work. He could not gossip with his colleagues or have lunch outside the office. He says, ‘In our office, there are a lot of beautiful young girls who work as interns. It is so refreshing to see a pretty face, the first thing in the morning.’ However, with the lockdown, things changed. Now all he saw was his wife, children and old parents. Meeting friends was fraught with dangers lest he gets COVID. He was at his wit’s end with boredom till he chanced upon a Tinder ad on the net. He logged in and hasn’t been able to log out till date. He says, ‘Life has definitely become more interesting. I cannot meet the girl physically but then apart from that there is nothing we cannot do. There are so many girls I have connected with. Some are intelligent, others are good looking- I am spoilt for choices and my wife does not have to know! She knows I am working hard to make the ends meet. Talking to these girls is like a breath of fresh air and I am hurting no one!’
    There are many such men, married and not married. who have found breather from their mundane existence through these dating apps.
    Joseph 38 has been separated from his wife for the last 8 years. He is not officially divorced as a result of the family. He has been on Tinder for the last 3 years. ‘As a man, there are times I crave for physical intimacy. However, I am not ready for any kind of commitment. Apps like Tinder have people who look for a similar ‘no strings attached’ arrangement which was an ideal situation for me.’ So, how has he been faring after COVID? ‘These days, I have gotten into the online mode where I can talk to the person through video or audio or skype. We can delve into all kinds of talks including the intimate ones and that helps me to cope with my loneliness.’
    Satish Kumar, 41, divorcee, and an entrepreneur from Hyderabad, who is at the moment stuck in Vijayawada, Andhra Pradesh says, ‘Dating apps are a huge respite for a person like me who is stuck here in the pandemic. I had come to see off my parents who were going to visit my sister in USA. As a result of the lockdown, I couldn’t travel back to my place. I pass my time by chatting with people, especially women from different walks of life.’

    The Con Game


    So, how has his experience been on these dating apps? Satish says, ‘I am primarily on Tinder and Aisle. Tinder has an advantage that you can connect with people all over the world. I have many friends in different parts of the world whom I can talk to. However, Tinder has a lot of men and women who are nothing but con artists who seek gullible people to extort money. I befriended a divorcee on Tinder. Since I too am looking for a long-term relationship and eventually marriage, I found her good to talk to and we connected well. After a few weeks, she told me that she needed money for her eight-year-old daughter’s treatment. Since, I am myself a father, I could identify with her pain and sent her the money within no time. The next day she had blocked me and all my attempts to contact her failed.’
    However, these con games are not just played with men alone. Gullible women are also entrapped by men on these dating sites. Gayatri, a divorcee and an architect from Coimbatore was duped by Prateek who told her that he was short of cash for his mother’s treatment. They had met some months back and Gayatri liked him. ‘I thought he was such a dutiful son to his mother. I talked to his mother on the video call and she seemed like a nice lady. She told me that she had been looking for a daughter-in-law like me who would be a good wife for her son.’ Prateek even came to meet her a couple of times. ‘He seemed to be a decent guy and I thought he was genuinely interested in me. He wasn’t looking for physical intimacy at the moment he said; he was only looking for a long-term relationship that could culminate into marriage. I felt as if he was the answer to all my prayers.’ After some months of regularly talking on the phone and video calls, at about 1 am in the night, Prateek called up Gayatri and said that he needed money for his mother’s heart surgery. ‘He said his mother had suffered a heart attack and even showed her sleeping in some kind of a hospital bed. I could not suspect anything because by that time I was convinced that we will be soon married.’ She transferred 20,000. She tried calling up Prateek afterwards but since then his number is always switched off.


    Dr. Anamika Papriwal, a psychologist believes that it is not just the pandemic that has made people vulnerable but also the excessive phone talks. ‘There is no doubt that the pandemic has contributed to a heightened feeling of vulnerability. Most people are finding themselves trapped at home with nowhere to go out. How long can you talk to your friends and even family about the routine, every day happenings? Moreover, these talks don’t impact the brain as much as the talks on the phone do because when you listen to the other person on the phone, it is like some one whispering in your ear. It is more personal, more intimate and it registers in your brain more deeply. These people who manage to dupe people out of such a lot of money are actually called con or confidence artists. If you listen to their talks, they will talk in a very soft and soothing voice which inspires feelings of love, even lust and above all confidence and intimacy. You then start depending on this person and are afraid to lose him or her. The moment they sense this, they move in for the kill.’
    Kamaal, 45 believes that the very fact that they enjoy talking to men and women on dating apps makes these people vulnerable. ‘Let us face it. I would not attribute the entire problem to the con artists or the men or women who use these platforms to get money out of people! The truth is that these men and women are having so much fun talking to these people that they stop thinking logically and get duped. The person on the other end knows that she is speaking to someone who is looking for spice in life and she or he provides that spice. If the other person ends up being swindled for being such a love-struck fool, whose fault, is it?’

    THIS ARTICLE BY SHAILAZA SINGH APPEARED IN RASHTRADOOT’S ARBIT ON JUNE 1, 2021