Imagine if you had everything you could possibly ask for. Or may be you are not that rich but are reasonably well off in the world. Your basic needs are met, you don’t have to struggle for your survival. Most people would call you lucky!
Many would advise you to be grateful. What if you aren’t? What if you are still sad and empty inside? What if you don’t even know what you are looking for yet there is a gnawing emptiness inside which is constantly asking you…what are you looking for?
Most people would call this condition, this malady depression and perhaps I would too. Because I have been suffering from it for the last few years. Before Covid, my life was busy. I was working 8-12 hours a day, taking care of my daughter, living with my parents. After Covid too, I was doing the same things except that I had lost my job. But then, I created my airbnb business, started writing more.
Yet in those quiet moments when I would be writing or was alone, I would miss being in the office…in any office. Not because I love offices but because workplaces have this quality of completely absorbing you in them. Whether it is about colleagues or work or the mindless gossip, you don’t get time for yourself. You are constantly engaged in your environment.
Your world is full of so many distractions that you hardly get to meet the real you. In those moments of quiet, when you actually meet the real you, it is more of a quiet shock than anything else. You find that person inside is just like the protagonist in the famous novel ‘ The Invisible Man’ . A smart persona camouflaging the nothingness inside.
For some wise souls, the solution to my predicament would be a relationship..a man..a friend. And perhaps that is what people do. They fill up that emptiness with another person’s presence. But then does that work or does that increase the silence even further?
Tom Hanks in Cast Away
What is the solution to this emptiness? Remain busy? Run around ? Run after something? I am often reminded of the movie ‘Cast Away’ where Tom Hanks character is marooned on an island in a plane crash. He doesn’t know how to get out of the island because the waves around the island keep throwing his boat into the island. He contemplates the idea of suicide but does not follow it because he is not sure whether he will end up dying or just being crippled. Finally after some years, he realizes the tides have changed and after some planning manages to escape the island.
Do all of us at some point in time get Castaway in an island where we have no one to understand our plight? The island in the movie was abundant with food, water, caves and most basic necessities needed for survival. Something like our lives.
Yet we want to escape…yet we feel empty…why? Do you know? Have you been in this situation ever? What did you do about it? Do share your thoughts in the comments section!
The rishta was fixed. She was in seventh heaven. After all, she had finally got the boy of her dreams. What could she want? But the boy wanted- an Endeavor. He told her if she really loved him, then this would be her wedding gift to him. He didn’t talk about a return gift.
His mother too wasn’t far behind. She told her mother that since they were the ‘ladki walas’, they had to keep giving more and more. His mother told her mother that she should be prepared as they may ask for a BMW or an expensive flat in a metro city. She also told her mother that the boy would only listen to her so she gets to govern every aspect of their lives…right from where newly weds will go for their honeymoon to how the girl will live in the house. When her mother asked his mother why she wanted such a lot of dowry, the latter replied that she has a daughter to marry off. How else will she give her dowry if she doesn’t take first?
Her mother had heard enough. She told his mother to live happily ever after with her son and her demands. She and her daughter weren’t interested.
Dowry is such a lovely word for the boys and their relatives. Tax free money just for getting married to the girl. How easy can it get? While the other mortals slog their butt to earn lakhs and prove themselves worthy of crores, these enlightened beings just raise a boy and pocket billions. The boy is a commodity, his education is an investment, he is lamb being raised for selling to the highest bidder. It does not matter how intelligent, smart or beautiful the girl is. She is just a complimentary gift. The real gift is the return on the investment with compounded interest. I am glad her mother said no to his mother instead of giving in to her demands and making her daughter the serving bowl of every new demand.
And if all men and their mother’s think this way, what’s the point of girls getting married? They might as well as remain single all their lives. If you can earn your own bread and think on your own two feet, the world is your oyster!
Do you agree or you believe in gifting an Endeavor Car?
Marriages in the twenty first century have undergone a complete transformation. Tales of valour, commitment and selflessness are now replaced by tales of ‘I, me, myself’ from both the groom and the bride.
Divorces In Rajputs
(Mis)matched “Earlier marriages were between two families who were equal in all respects,” says Amit Jaglan, a lawyer based in Gurgaon. “People used search for alliances with people who were equal to them in all respects (status, money, thinking, caste) so that the girl goes into a house which is almost same as hers in terms of lifestyle, money etc. These days however, things have changed. Apart from the materialistic riches, mental and cultural compatibility also plays a big role.” Amit says that these days as a result of higher education and qualifications, women have developed a more progressive outlook which creates issues in compatibility. “So, on one end we have the guy who is not very educated but has ancestral property and a thriving business. The girl may also have a similar financial standing but may have done her post-graduation and even Ph.D. She may even be working somewhere. All this generally results in a more open and broader outlook of the 21st century whereas the boy’s family does not think beyond the 19th century. Soon, the mental frustration starts causing cracks in the relationship. So, naturally, this will cause a lot of friction and eventually lead to a break up!”
Short fuse “Once a bride stepped into her husband’s home, it was her responsibility to adjust in an alien household. She was told in no uncertain terms that her husband’s house is her real home and she had to do what it takes to settle in it,’ says Amit Jaglan. ‘So, the girl had no option but to patiently tolerate and adjust to everything.” So, what has changed today? “It is entirely a new ballgame. The girls are no longer the damsels that are waiting for their knights in shining armour. They are financially independent and want equality in all respects. If they don’t get that, they have no qualms about calling it quits.”
Great Expectations and FOMO (Fear of missing out) “From the moment, they get engaged, the men and women start posting their happy pictures on social media. Every one expects a fairy tale marriage, where the groom wants a girl who can do everything from earning money to serving him food and the bride wants a man who can earn doles of money and give her a jet setting life,” says Amit. “The pressure is on from the very beginning which is further augmented by the social media. However, when the marriage doesn’t meet their expectations, the boy or the girl have no qualms about stepping out of it to find some one else.” “This is generally because of a new phenomenon called FOMO or the fear of missing out,” says Priya Sharma, a psychologist. “ As a result of the constant information bombardment by the social media, men and women want everything that the other person or their peers have. They want the best car, best house, best husband and best wife. They don’t want to miss out on anything that their peers have. So, the moment they feel that the person they are with doesn’t have the required attributes, they prefer to separate instead of adjusting to it.”
Age Matters Preeti Khanna is a marriage counsellor who has seen an increasing number of divorce cases. She attributes it to the shrinking age difference between the bride and the groom. “In those days, the age difference between the bride and the groom was at least 5 years or more. We all know that the mental and psychological maturity of a woman is more than a man’s at any given age. Hence, in the olden days, the groom was older than the bride by many years, so they maturity levels could match better. Moreover, since he was older than her, the bride had some sort of a reverence and even respect for the groom. These days, the age difference has considerably whittled down leading to an increasing number of ego clashes and fights amongst the couples.”
Bicholio – Mediatory Responsibility “My daughter is 40 years old now. Her husband comes from a well to do family”, says Hanuman Shekhawat, a retired IPS officer. “The alliance was initiated by my best friend, Shyam who knew the boys family very well. After about 5 years, there was a lot of friction between my daughter and her husband. At that time, it was Shyam who helped to diffuse the situation because he knew and could prevail over both the families. Thankfully, as a result of his mediation, my daughter’s marriage could survive.” “Mediation is a very important aspect of helping a marriage to survive,” says Amit Jaglan. “Earlier, whenever there was a problem between the couple or in the family, they sought guidance from the village elder or someone elder and respected in the family whose word was law. Now no one wants to take that responsibility. In many court cases, it is the judges who become mediators for the husband and wife because they too don’t want marriages to break up.”
Matter of Honour Bhupinder Singh, 28, a resident of Bikaner says, “My mother got married to my father at the tender age of 18. Her mother (my maternal grandmother) just had one piece of advice for her. She said, “Whenever your in-laws or other people in your husband’s house say anything rude to you which you may find offensive or insulting, just imagine that they aren’t saying it to you. They are saying it to a person who is standing behind you. Don’t react or try to reply to anything that they say; because if you do, people will not question you but raise fingers at us (your parents). So, as our daughter, it is your responsibility to guard our honour and esteem.” “Earlier, marriage was a bond for which was cemented not just between two individuals but also two families,” says Priya Sharma, a Delhi based psychologist. “These families generally lived in villages or small towns where everyone knew everybody. They were quite conscious of their social reputation and maintaining appearances. This meant that in case of any dispute in the marriage, the entire families strived to solve it. However, today, it’s a different ball game all together. People live in cities where the social circle is quite limited and every one is busy in their lives. Moreover, divorces have become so common that they are no longer a taboo now.”
Saving face “According to a recent survey, besides tolerance and incompatibility, extra marital affairs are also responsible for the break up of marriages,” says Amit. So, weren’t there extra marital affairs in the olden times? “Yes, there were affairs that mostly men had. However, they led parallel lives. They had affairs but those affairs were never in the public eye. Moreover, if the husband wife weren’t compatible enough, they stayed together for the sake of appearances and led parallel lives because divorce would mean a loss of face and image. Today, people are no longer bound by such notions. For them, it is all about their life.”
‘Women have changed’ “Earlier, women were generally told to keep quiet,” says Sonal Singh, a resident of Churu. “Though they could speak to their husband or sometimes even the mother-in-law but generally they were told to keep mum and their opinions did not matter. Now, as more and more women are getting educated and earning for themselves, their mindset has changed. Now they not only want to marry the person of their own choice but also be equal partners in their marriage. My daughter has asked me to find a groom who believes in equality of men and women.”
His daughter Mrigakshi, 28 agrees. “I believe marriage is for life and I do want a partner who is not just a partner in the bedroom but also in life. I am an educated and accomplished woman. So, why should I be the one to keep quiet or tolerate all the idiosyncrasies of my in-laws or husband? If they can tolerate mine, then only can I tolerate theirs!”
-Concluded
This article by Shailaza Singh was published in Rashtradoot Newspaper’s Arbit Section on 7 October 2021.
The marriages of yore were tales of commitment and togetherness despite all odds. When two people got married, they were bound by a pledge of staying together for the better or the worse. The customs, the community and family ensured that marriages that were made in heaven were made to last on earth.
A Rajput Bride
The unbreakable vow
“Guess what! We have finally found a nice match for Chinky! The boy has his own business!” I could make out the excitement in my friend Aparna Chauhan’s voice on the phone. For over a year, she had been trying to get a nice match for her 25-year-old daughter. Though the news was good, somehow, I wasn’t as excited as Aparna. I was happy for her but then I remembered the last couple of times when I received similar calls from her. In those calls too, she sounded as excited as she had now. She had told me that the boy and the family were good in every way. However, both the alliances broke within a year of fixing. After this news, I met Aparna and Chinky for coffee. Chinky seemed besotted with her fiancé! She was constantly messaging him and after a few minutes stepped out to talk to him on the phone. I asked Aparna if she was sure about this one. “Oh yes! The boy and his family are quite good. He likes Chinky and he was the one who wanted this alliance to be fixed,” she said. She saw the look on my face and said, “I know what you are thinking. I know I said the same thing about the other two alliances. However, there the case was different. In one, the boy liked some one else but he was being forced by his mother. In the second one, the mother and the boy wanted Chinky to leave her job and stay at home. While initially they were okay with the idea of her working, they soon changed the idea.” “What if this happens again?” I asked her. “So what? Big deal!” said Aparna. “There are so many divorces happening in our community. I am not going to compromise on anything when it comes to Chinky. It is better to break an alliance before marriage rather than face a problem and a messy divorce! I have told Chinky that we would be happier with her being unmarried than making a wrong choice or being divorced!” Just then Chinky came back. She had heard our conversation. “ Look Aunty, I am a fan of Shahrukh Khan and I love his advice in Dear Zindagi when he tells Alia Bhatt that finding the right partner is like shopping for a chair. You keep trying one chair after the other until you find that perfect chair which is just meant for you.”
The Perfect Chair Marriage has been a part of almost all stories, whether legends or fables or fairy tales or even jokes. One of the most popular quests of princes and princesses of yore was to find the perfect mate and live happily till the next war. However, that was more of a spur of the moment romance and not the ‘chair testing’ that has become the norm today! When I was a child, I was introduced to this idea of marriage through the typical Bollywood movies where the wife and husband pledge to remain bonded with each other for eternity. I remember watching movies like Hema Malini’s ‘Meera’ where marriage was the end aim for every respectable woman. 80s was the era when movies like ‘Sada Suhagan’ which talked about the unbreakable bond between a husband and wife left a huge impact on the society. But today, matters have taken a different turn. Getting a divorce is as common as eating bread and butter. There are new cases of divorces everyday which impact entire families! I wonder if the search for the perfect chair has really gone too far! Just the other day, I happened to watch Sanjay Leela Bhansali ‘Padmaavat’, especially the scene where Padmaavati, (played by Deepika Padukone) rushes to commit Jauhar with the other women of the fort to not just preserve her honour but also fulfil the oath of remaining together in life and death with her husband. What a romantic notion it was to live and die to protect one’s love! But today, the scene seems to have completely changed! The very flame of romance seems to have extinguished by the modern world’s practicality! How is it that in this clan where the men and women who were once ready to give up their very lives for each other are now no longer interested in even staying together? I decided to delve into this matter.
A scientific process
Myra in a marriage
“In my time, the search for a groom was a scientific process,” says Vikram Singh, a resident of Jaipur, who has been married to his wife for the last 20 years. “The relatives and friends of the family looked for ‘samdhis’ or people who were similar to them in wealth, status, thinking and culture. Their aim was simple- to find a girl who was younger to the man by at least five years or more and was brought up in a similar environment so that she is able to adjust well in the new home with ease and develop a comfort zone of her own.” ‘It takes a village to do a marriage’ Getting the right groom was only the beginning. “In the earlier days, marriage was not just the responsibility of the parents of the girl’s parents. The entire village or community pitched in from the very start,”says Sagat Singh, a farmer who lives in Churu district of Rajasthan. “The girl’s maternal uncle was responsible for giving the ‘myra’ which was essentially clothes, jewellery and even money to his sister for the marriage. This money helped the parents to not only organize the trousseau of the bride but also take care of the marriage expenses. Apart from this, everyone in the village contributed money for the kanyadaan which was then gifted to the bride as a stridhan. Even if each person contributed 100 rupees in a community of 300 people or more, they could raise a substantial amount which would be then given to the girl as a part of the kanyadaan ritual. Now, in the cities and even many villages, you hardly see anything like a custom like this. Now the entire pressure of the marriage falls on the parents.” Agrees Bhawani Shekhawat, a resident of Jaipur, “These days, relatives hardly help in searching for a prospective partner. Then the wedding has also become a costly affair for the parents. To add to it, the prospective groom and bride don’t want parents to interfere at all.”
Kanyadaan
“Kanyadaan is perhaps the most misunderstood ritual in a marriage. Most people do not understand the true meaning of Kanyadaan in a marriage especially amongst the warrior class,” says Pallavi Singh, a writer. “Some people feel that ‘kanyadaan’ is the ritual where parents donate their daughter to someone else. However, the custom involved ‘gotradaan’. Gotra means lineage and broadly refers to people who are descendants in an unbroken male line from a common male ancestor. When the bride marries the groom, the father of the bride, offers his daughter’s gotra to the fire god (agni dev). In a way, he gives up his right on his daughter’s lineage so that she becomes a part of the groom’s gotra or lineage. This is also why the girl wears the clothes and jewellery brought by the groom’s family in the pheras and kanyadaan and even changes her surname. It is simply to signify that she is now a part of their family.”
The Love Factor
Some years back, my grandmother and me were watching Shahrukh Khan’s movie Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge’. At that time, I was in my late teens. Being the die-hard romantic, I kept sighing in scenes where Shahrukh Khan fights, connives and plans for his love. I asked my her, “Is this true love where this guy is trying win the girl and her family?” My grandmother laughed and said, “I did not know or understand love when I got married to your grandfather. There was no such condition. For me, marriage was similar to an arrangement, where my job was to take care of him, his family and our children. After my marriage, I interacted with my parents once or twice in a year. In those days, the girls were not encouraged to come home in the early years of marriage because they had to adjust and get used to the new home. My role was quite clear, I had to take care of the home and family and your grandfather had to provide for the family and me. I only discussed the really important issues with your grandfather. For everything else, there was Janaki Dadi (the lady who accompanied my grandmother from her parental house as a companion).” “Why couldn’t you talk to the other Rajput women in the village?” She said, “In a village, though people love socializing, but there is a lot of politics. When a bride comes to her husband’s home, initially, she cannot trust anyone because almost every one in the village is related to her husband’s family in one way or the other. If a new bride happens to tell them something, it becomes a gossip and spreads like wildfire. When I came as a bride, women of the village tried to get friendly with me because they wanted to know the inside scoop. That is why Janaki was sent with me. In the olden times, most Rajput families followed this tradition. Since, the problem of getting a girl married was universal, they used to send an unmarried woman, preferably a girl their daughter has grown up and is friends with. The girl was later married in the same village and could live close to their daughter.” “So, weren’t you tired of the constant ghoonghat and all the norms that you had to follow?” “ After marriage, I was adopted by a family here in the village. They acted like my local guardians. I could confide in them and once in a while even go to their house where I wasn’t required to keep a ghoonghat or observe any of these rules.” This was quite a revelation! So, I asked her the age-old question. “Did you and grandpa ever go on a honeymoon?” My grandmother scoffed at the very idea. “ Honeymoon? These are all your modern-day inventions. For us, the word honeymoon never existed. After marriage, I got busy with the household and he continued with his work. It took me time to understand his world and the entire family supported that. We only used to meet in the night when all the family members had retired for the day. We talked and discussed things but we had our own lives too.” A commitment for life
“I never saw my wife before marriage,” says Kaushal Rathore, a resident of Jaipur who has been married for 40 years now. “My father and uncles chose the bride for me. It was only after marriage that I slowly got to know her as a person. The journey hasn’t been easy. We have had our fights and disagreements which have lasted for days and weeks. Once or twice, she even packed her bags and went back to her parents’ place. When she did that, my family cajoled me to go and bring her back. At no point in time, we thought of divorce or separation because for us, marriage was a commitment that could never be broken.” To be continued..
This article by Shailaza Singh was published in Rashtradoot Newspaper’s Arbit Section on October 6, 2021
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