The rishta was fixed. She was in seventh heaven. After all, she had finally got the boy of her dreams. What could she want? But the boy wanted- an Endeavor. He told her if she really loved him, then this would be her wedding gift to him. He didn’t talk about a return gift.
His mother too wasn’t far behind. She told her mother that since they were the ‘ladki walas’, they had to keep giving more and more. His mother told her mother that she should be prepared as they may ask for a BMW or an expensive flat in a metro city. She also told her mother that the boy would only listen to her so she gets to govern every aspect of their lives…right from where newly weds will go for their honeymoon to how the girl will live in the house. When her mother asked his mother why she wanted such a lot of dowry, the latter replied that she has a daughter to marry off. How else will she give her dowry if she doesn’t take first?
Her mother had heard enough. She told his mother to live happily ever after with her son and her demands. She and her daughter weren’t interested.
Dowry is such a lovely word for the boys and their relatives. Tax free money just for getting married to the girl. How easy can it get? While the other mortals slog their butt to earn lakhs and prove themselves worthy of crores, these enlightened beings just raise a boy and pocket billions. The boy is a commodity, his education is an investment, he is lamb being raised for selling to the highest bidder. It does not matter how intelligent, smart or beautiful the girl is. She is just a complimentary gift. The real gift is the return on the investment with compounded interest. I am glad her mother said no to his mother instead of giving in to her demands and making her daughter the serving bowl of every new demand.
And if all men and their mother’s think this way, what’s the point of girls getting married? They might as well as remain single all their lives. If you can earn your own bread and think on your own two feet, the world is your oyster!
Do you agree or you believe in gifting an Endeavor Car?
They were successful, beautiful and had the world at their feet. Yet they lived lonely, sad lives and died even lonelier deaths. Is it that when a woman gets fame, wealth and power, she also gets the curse of loneliness and bad relationships? Why can’t a woman have it all? Why did Nargis Dutt congratulate Meena Kumari on her death in a letter that was published in an Urdu magazine called Shama and collated in a book titled “Yeh Un Dinon Ki Baat Hai” by Yasir Abbasi?
Nargis wrote” “-Happy Birthday -Wishes for your wedding -Happy Diwali -Eid Mubarak
I have often offered as well as received these wishes on numerous occasions. But… “Congratulations on your death” I have neither heard or said this earlier. Meena, today your baaji (elder sister) congratulates you on your death and asks you to never step into this world again. This place is not meant for people like you.
Meena Kumari
I gave Madhubala her last bath; the hands that placed the shroud on her were mine. I was holding his hand when filmmaker S.U. Sunny breathed his last. I have seen many people- from the film world and otherwise-pass away before my eyes, but no instance can match the profound effect that Meena Kumari’s death had on me. I was intensely moved despite the fact that I wasn’t present with her during her last moments-neither did I give her the customary final bath, nor did I put the shroud on her body-and I couldn’t see her depart on her final journey. I was in Jammu on the day that Meen Kumari died. Somehow, I was restless since I woke up that day and bad thoughts kept crossing my mind. It seemed as if something terrible was about to happen, and indeed it did-a tragedy so huge that I will never be able to forget.
After arriving in Bombay, I went to the graveyard where she was buried. I cried more at her grave than I did at the death of my mother. I could gain composure only when my ears could almost hear Meena ask me to stop crying. One day I received a call from my husband who was away in Madras shooting for Main Chup Rahungi . Since it was going to be a long schedule, he asked me to come over with the kids. I reached Madras with Sanjay, who was two and a half years old then, and Namrata who was barely two months old. We stayed at Hotel Oceanic and Meena’s room was close to ours. Accompanying Meena was her sister Madhu and Baqar Ali. We met for the second time here. She greeted me as soon as she saw me and said, “I have great regard for you and I hope you won’t mind if I call you ‘baaji’. An instant friendship developed between us. Once, Dutt sahib wanted to go out for Chinese food and an invitation was extended to Meena too but she said that she was tired after the day’s work and had already eaten early. She also offered to take care of the kids while we were away. When we returned at 11 o’ clock, the kids’ nanny informed us that both the children were still with her. Entering her room quietly, I saw both of them asleep on either side of Meena, who has gently placed a hand each on Sanjay and Namrata. The nanny told us that Meena had duly tended to all the duties-from taking Sanjay to the toilet to changing Namrata’s nappies and from preparing their feeding bottles to singing them loris, she did it all on her own. I could see the glow and contentment on her face. I felt that it was indeed a misfortune that though she was a woman and also a wife, she wasn’t a mother yet, and how complete her life would be once she’d become a mother. I couldn’t meet her the next day. We didn’t meet for several days after that but one night I saw her walking in the garden of the hotel. She was panting and when I asked her the reason, she said, “Baaji, I eat tobacco and sometimes that results in palpitations.” “Meena, this is not due to tobacco,” I told her. “You look very tired. Why don’t you rest for a while?” “Baaji, resting is not in my destiny. I will rest just one time.” Her eyes turned to the ground as she said that. I asked her, “Meena, don’t you want to be a mother? Don’t you feel like having kids?” She replied, “There is no woman who doesn’t want to be a mother.” Her eyes welled up- the tears perhaps conveyed the story of her life. That night there was some noise in Meena’s room- sounds suggestive of violence. Next day we came to know that she wasn’t feeling well and would not report for work. I caught hold of Kamal saheb’s secretary Baqar and spoke to him in direct terms, “Why do you want to kill Meena? She has worked enough for your sake. I know how an actress feels and how mentally exhausting things can get. For how long is she going to feed you?” Baqar saheb replied, “Baby, why don’t you understand? When the right time comes, we will rest her.”
Kamal Amrohi and Meena Kumari
After that I saw Meena hiding herself to cry. Just a look at her eyes and one could sense that the tears would roll out any moment, but she never let that happen. I said to her, “I can understand your pain. You have to be brave and crying like this is of no use. You’re like a younger sister to me and henceforth I’ll call you ‘Manju’.” We couldn’t meet for a long time once were back in Bombay, though one kept hearing stories about her. One day, I heard that she had walked out of Kamal saheb’s home and had started living in Mehmood’s house. Meena had a showdown with Baqar on the sets of Pinjre ke Panchhi and matters got so turbulent that she did not step into Kamal Saheb’s house again. I never broached this subject with her.
Kamal Amrohi with Meena Kumari
Soon enough, the excessive consumption of alcohol had weakened her liver and she was down with jaundice. When I visited her at Saint Elizabeth Nursing Home, I was careful that I didn’t mention anything that could embarrass her or hurt her. Referring to the yellow tinge on her skin, I said, “This shade of yellow is so pretty. Manju, you are free but of what use is such freedom when you are bent upon killing yourself?” She replied, “Baaji, my patience has a limit. How dare Kamal saheb’s secretary raise his hand on me? When I got the incident communicated to Kamal saheb, I thought he’d come running and immediately fire Baqar, but he said, ‘Come home and I will decide things here.’ What was there for him to decide? Now it’s me who has decided to not go back to him.”
Dharmendra and Meena Kumari
Then, a new person entered Meena’s life- Dharmendra. She was so happy- it was almost as if she had got hold of the entire wealth of the world. This was the most beautiful phase of her life and made her feel thoroughly blessed. However, the good times are short-lived as a misunderstanding resulted in the two of them drifting apart. Dharmendra walked out of her life and left her heart-broken. Shen couldn’t cope up with the loss and hit the bottle. She would say, “Baaji, solitude is my destiny. I do not pity myself and neither should you.” Slowly, Meena started to inch towards death. I couldn’t bear to see her like this and advised her to forget the past and begin her life afresh. I got a call from Meena on 3rd February -the day of the premiere of Pakeezah. “Baaji, the film that you got me to work on is being premiered today. You have to come.” When I reached there, she stood up and embraced me. I had to leave after the interval because my husband was down with fever that day. I promised Meena that I would tell her my opinion on the film once I saw it in its entirety. I don’t know if that will ever happen- I haven’t been able to gather courage to watch that film since. I can’t even bear to listen to the songs of Pakeezah on the radio now, how can I pull my self together to view the film? How Meena resumed work on Pakeezah is a story in itself. Kamal saheb wished to have Dutt saheb in the film and wanted to sign some other actress for Meena’s role. Dutt saheb mentioned to me if Pakeezah was made without her, the film would lose its allure. I met Meena and told her, “Manju, if this film remains incomplete then it will be a great calamity. Tired of waiting for you to come back, Kamal saheb has now started looking for another actress. If you agree, I can talk to him and facilitate your return.” She just said, “I’ll do as you say.” I couldn’t go to her during the next few days. Then, I left for Delhi and to Pathankot and Jammu from there. Before leaving, I passed on a message informing her about my travel and that I’d meet her after I come back on 1st April. She asked her sister Madhu to tell me that she wouldn’t be around when I return. Madhu did not convey that to me. Had she done so, I would’ve never left Meena. Not too long before we last met, there was a preview of her film Gomti ke Kinare at the mini-theatre in our house. The story of the film was the story of Meena’s life as well. Though she bore pain and hurt herself for others, no one could realize her worth. Left with no one who could lover her back or who she could call her own, she lost the will to live. A woman doesn’t need a friend-she yearns for a family. There was a void in her life that never got filled. No one really cared for her-all were like indifferent strangers. She wandered around looking for a drop of love but her thirst for it remained unquenched. She writhed in torment, lived a lonely life and eventually died a lonely death.”
Nargis and Meena Kumari
-(Meena -Maut Mubarak Ho!,published in Shama- June 1972) (Excerpts from “Yeh Un Dinon Ki Baat Hai” by Yasir Abbasi)
To be continued…
This article by Shailaza Singh was published in Rashtradoot Newspaper’s Arbit Section on 19 April 2022
If you watch most of his movies, each time you will end up falling in love with the idea of falling in love with a guy like Salman Khan. A guy who is flawed, a nut job but loves with all his heart. A guy with a heart of gold who can fight, dance, sing and do anything for his object of affection.
But then when you look at his real life, you wonder how is it that a guy like him has not found the girl of his dreams? How is it that he who is said to be the ultimate lover boy cannot find the one who truly loves him in real life? Doesn’t it look like the ultimate tragedy that the one who has packaged and sold love for decades has not been able to find his one true love?
In most of these movies which are now thankfully no longer made at the same frequency, the man and the woman yearn to be together with each other and for this they fight the relatives, their parents and the entire universe. But in real life, there seems to be no fight in these people’s lives. They seem to be in a position where they can have anything that they desire.
Today from where I, a commoner or a spectator can see it, Salman Khan has no dearth of girls who would gladly give anything to get married to him. Yet he stands alone..perhaps out of some compulsion or condition or sheer free will because he has probably understood that marriage is not a gateway to happiness for most souls. Probably he has seen marriages crumbling around him and understood that no marriage is made in heaven but the path sometimes ends up at the hell’s door or may be he is so happy in his own fame and adulation and so busy in work that he doesn’t need a mate.
There was a time, when I as a teenager wanted to run away from home and get married to Salman Khan. I was so taken by his on screen persona that I fell in love with him. Thank God I didn’t!
It took me a long time to realize that people who are good at acting are often not what they seem. There are no happily ever after’s and even after being happily married, people can be utterly lonely and that fairy tales or prince charming are just made up stories to calm the mind.
Marriages in the twenty first century have undergone a complete transformation. Tales of valour, commitment and selflessness are now replaced by tales of ‘I, me, myself’ from both the groom and the bride.
Divorces In Rajputs
(Mis)matched “Earlier marriages were between two families who were equal in all respects,” says Amit Jaglan, a lawyer based in Gurgaon. “People used search for alliances with people who were equal to them in all respects (status, money, thinking, caste) so that the girl goes into a house which is almost same as hers in terms of lifestyle, money etc. These days however, things have changed. Apart from the materialistic riches, mental and cultural compatibility also plays a big role.” Amit says that these days as a result of higher education and qualifications, women have developed a more progressive outlook which creates issues in compatibility. “So, on one end we have the guy who is not very educated but has ancestral property and a thriving business. The girl may also have a similar financial standing but may have done her post-graduation and even Ph.D. She may even be working somewhere. All this generally results in a more open and broader outlook of the 21st century whereas the boy’s family does not think beyond the 19th century. Soon, the mental frustration starts causing cracks in the relationship. So, naturally, this will cause a lot of friction and eventually lead to a break up!”
Short fuse “Once a bride stepped into her husband’s home, it was her responsibility to adjust in an alien household. She was told in no uncertain terms that her husband’s house is her real home and she had to do what it takes to settle in it,’ says Amit Jaglan. ‘So, the girl had no option but to patiently tolerate and adjust to everything.” So, what has changed today? “It is entirely a new ballgame. The girls are no longer the damsels that are waiting for their knights in shining armour. They are financially independent and want equality in all respects. If they don’t get that, they have no qualms about calling it quits.”
Great Expectations and FOMO (Fear of missing out) “From the moment, they get engaged, the men and women start posting their happy pictures on social media. Every one expects a fairy tale marriage, where the groom wants a girl who can do everything from earning money to serving him food and the bride wants a man who can earn doles of money and give her a jet setting life,” says Amit. “The pressure is on from the very beginning which is further augmented by the social media. However, when the marriage doesn’t meet their expectations, the boy or the girl have no qualms about stepping out of it to find some one else.” “This is generally because of a new phenomenon called FOMO or the fear of missing out,” says Priya Sharma, a psychologist. “ As a result of the constant information bombardment by the social media, men and women want everything that the other person or their peers have. They want the best car, best house, best husband and best wife. They don’t want to miss out on anything that their peers have. So, the moment they feel that the person they are with doesn’t have the required attributes, they prefer to separate instead of adjusting to it.”
Age Matters Preeti Khanna is a marriage counsellor who has seen an increasing number of divorce cases. She attributes it to the shrinking age difference between the bride and the groom. “In those days, the age difference between the bride and the groom was at least 5 years or more. We all know that the mental and psychological maturity of a woman is more than a man’s at any given age. Hence, in the olden days, the groom was older than the bride by many years, so they maturity levels could match better. Moreover, since he was older than her, the bride had some sort of a reverence and even respect for the groom. These days, the age difference has considerably whittled down leading to an increasing number of ego clashes and fights amongst the couples.”
Bicholio – Mediatory Responsibility “My daughter is 40 years old now. Her husband comes from a well to do family”, says Hanuman Shekhawat, a retired IPS officer. “The alliance was initiated by my best friend, Shyam who knew the boys family very well. After about 5 years, there was a lot of friction between my daughter and her husband. At that time, it was Shyam who helped to diffuse the situation because he knew and could prevail over both the families. Thankfully, as a result of his mediation, my daughter’s marriage could survive.” “Mediation is a very important aspect of helping a marriage to survive,” says Amit Jaglan. “Earlier, whenever there was a problem between the couple or in the family, they sought guidance from the village elder or someone elder and respected in the family whose word was law. Now no one wants to take that responsibility. In many court cases, it is the judges who become mediators for the husband and wife because they too don’t want marriages to break up.”
Matter of Honour Bhupinder Singh, 28, a resident of Bikaner says, “My mother got married to my father at the tender age of 18. Her mother (my maternal grandmother) just had one piece of advice for her. She said, “Whenever your in-laws or other people in your husband’s house say anything rude to you which you may find offensive or insulting, just imagine that they aren’t saying it to you. They are saying it to a person who is standing behind you. Don’t react or try to reply to anything that they say; because if you do, people will not question you but raise fingers at us (your parents). So, as our daughter, it is your responsibility to guard our honour and esteem.” “Earlier, marriage was a bond for which was cemented not just between two individuals but also two families,” says Priya Sharma, a Delhi based psychologist. “These families generally lived in villages or small towns where everyone knew everybody. They were quite conscious of their social reputation and maintaining appearances. This meant that in case of any dispute in the marriage, the entire families strived to solve it. However, today, it’s a different ball game all together. People live in cities where the social circle is quite limited and every one is busy in their lives. Moreover, divorces have become so common that they are no longer a taboo now.”
Saving face “According to a recent survey, besides tolerance and incompatibility, extra marital affairs are also responsible for the break up of marriages,” says Amit. So, weren’t there extra marital affairs in the olden times? “Yes, there were affairs that mostly men had. However, they led parallel lives. They had affairs but those affairs were never in the public eye. Moreover, if the husband wife weren’t compatible enough, they stayed together for the sake of appearances and led parallel lives because divorce would mean a loss of face and image. Today, people are no longer bound by such notions. For them, it is all about their life.”
‘Women have changed’ “Earlier, women were generally told to keep quiet,” says Sonal Singh, a resident of Churu. “Though they could speak to their husband or sometimes even the mother-in-law but generally they were told to keep mum and their opinions did not matter. Now, as more and more women are getting educated and earning for themselves, their mindset has changed. Now they not only want to marry the person of their own choice but also be equal partners in their marriage. My daughter has asked me to find a groom who believes in equality of men and women.”
His daughter Mrigakshi, 28 agrees. “I believe marriage is for life and I do want a partner who is not just a partner in the bedroom but also in life. I am an educated and accomplished woman. So, why should I be the one to keep quiet or tolerate all the idiosyncrasies of my in-laws or husband? If they can tolerate mine, then only can I tolerate theirs!”
-Concluded
This article by Shailaza Singh was published in Rashtradoot Newspaper’s Arbit Section on 7 October 2021.
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