Author: Shailaza Singh

Loved this….

.. An evening in August..somewhere in an old cantonment town in Central India . You could feel the stillness in the air..not a leaf stirred..The PMC wiped the sweat from his glistening bald palate..he was tense.. This was to be a special evening in the Station Officers Mess..He had hired the best music group in the sleepy Cantonment town. He hoped they would liven things up ..and shake the Cantonment from its reverie.. Just to be doubly sure..he had a list of officers and ladies..who could carry a tune..After all it was the farewell of the GOC..an extremely lively personality. As the bell chimed from a distant Quarter Guard ..he took stock of the arrangements. Everything was in place.. the lawns were beautifully lit up..The Mess building, the erstwhile residence of the British Commissioner ..looked magnificent.. Across the street, he could see the silhouette of the imposing church in the moonlight..built in memory of those who had died defending the garrison in 1857..He looked around him as the stewards moved around purposefully.. immaculately turned out in their regimental best.. The officers and ladies started pouring in. The ladies in beautiful sarees and suits, the officers in crisp _muftis_.. At 20:28 a harried staff officer urgently requested the officers and ladies to gather together in regimental groups to be introduced to the General officer.. As is the way in the Army..the station had witnessed a complete turnover in the last two months..Three regiments had move out..and three new regiments had come in to replace them..the lone battalion which had spent a year in station..had witnessed a change in command.. individual officers had moved out on posting and on career courses.. the staff had changed…There were few in the crowd who had seen the General’s fifteen month tenure. Yet they were all there..to bid farewell to him.. The crowd rearranged itself..From a distance it looked like a choreographed move..A swirl of colour as the ladies chose their ground and the groups fell into place..the Armoured Corps, the proud Guardsmen and then the infantry.. At precisely 20:30 the GOC’s staff car rolled in..He stepped out..a tall rangy General..who moved with effortless grace..meeting the officers and ladies.. The evening commenced with a performance by the much acclaimed music group.. As in battle, the best laid plans often fall apart.. The music group..in their efforts to impress..were unnecessarily loud..Mistaking the polite applause after the first couple of numbers..as a sign that they had struck the right chord..they became even more jarring. The General who was a keen follower of music caught the discordant notes ..and mentioned it to the Commander.. The brief respite that followed after the performance saw the freshly arrived officers gather around the GOC.. On an occasion like this.. General officers generally like to reminisce about the days gone by…this General was no different. He had driven the division hard.. Together they had been through excercises, operational discussions, war games..they had faced challenges, remained on tenterhooks..planned mobilisation post the surgical strikes, performed superlatively in aid to civil authorities during a major train accident..won major sports competitions..but..that was with a different lot of people..There were very few who had seen the General’s fifteen months of glorious command..Yet..a dining out can never be complete without basking in the glory of battles hard fought.. and challenges faced together..The compere..determined to make the evening a success…blustered on..holding the mike too close..making desperate attempts to evoke nostalgia by recounting events gone by and by his effusive praise of the General Officer..ln time he asked the audience to be seated.. and screened a hurriedly put together collection of pictures of the General’ s previous visits to the Station..set to music… Speeches followed..the Commander drew focus on the General’s indefatigable energy..his intense involvement..and his ability to switch focus to the event of the day..how he went through operational issues..a game of volleyball or golf ..and a social evening.. with the same level of intensity and energy.. After the customary presentation of Momentos..it was finally time for the General to have his say.. And what followed..was in essence ..what made the evening memorable.. The General asked the Commanding officers and Company Commanders to gather around him and join him in song..The Officers.. caught a little off guard trundled forward hesitatingly picking up.cordless mikes. The General..put their minds to rest..He said..he would sing himself..all he wanted them to do..was to replace the word _shayar_ in the song..with their appointment.. The General could carry a tune..He started singing..and the song ..he sung brought home some truths about command…about power..about life…in a manner no speech ..no advise..no book ..ever could.. The song went like this…

_Main pal do pal ka *GOC* hoon_.. _pal do pal meri kahani hai_ …._ _pal do pal meri hasti hai pal do pal meri jawani hai_ … _main pal do pal ka *GOC* hoon_ .. _Mujhse pahele kitne *GOC* aaye aur aakar chaley gaye_ … _kuch anhein bharkar laut gaye kuch nagme gaa kar chaley gaye_ .. _woh bhi ek pal ka kissa thhey.. main bhi ek pal ka kissa hoon_ _kal tumse juda ho jaunga jo aaj tumhara hissa hoon_ _main pal do pal ka *GOC* hoon_ “Now listen to this Boys” he said.. .. _Kal aur ayenge nagmon ki khilti kaliyan chunnewale_ .. _*mujhese behetar kahenewale tumse behetar sunnewale*_ … _* kal koi mujhko yaad karey ..kyon koi mujhko yaad karey*_ .. _masroof zamana mere liye kyon waqt apna barbadh kare_.. … _main pal do pal ka *GOC* hoon_..

Words..lines sung in a lighter vein..evoked laughter initially..but the lyrics struck home..and left a deep impact.. The music in my heart l bore.. ..long after it was heard no more..

Come to think of it, our mythology is replete with single mothers who raise their children alone due to one reason or the other. Sita, Shakuntala, Ganga in Mahabharata, Kunti, Parvati (since she created Ganesha on her own), Renuka, Hidimba and the list is probably endless. Single mothers who were powerful, followed their hearts and did what was right. They refused to bow to the conventions of a hypocritical society which asks the child his/her father’s name rather than the mother’s name. To this too,  Jabaal, the mother of the well known rishi Satyakama Jabaali had an answer. She told him the truth that she was his mother and she did not know who his father was.

Every time, when I have to fill up a new form for my child, the column ‘father’s name’ makes me cringe. The mother’s name in some forms is not even taken. The father’s name is important even if the father is dead and has no role in the upbringing of the child. Why? Why isn’t mother accorded the first place in all forms? After all, it is the mother who is generally taking care of the child. In fact, in today’s society, even if she is married, a mother is expected to earn, take care of the children and the husband. In matrimonial ads, people demand a working and ‘homely’ girl, preferably a teacher who can take the children with her to the school, take care of them and the home when she comes back while the husband comes in his own sweet time for dinner and some rest…..

If in most places, mother is one who does the work, why do we accord so little importance to this better half of the society? Any thoughts?

In an earlier post, I had talked about appreciation. Appreciation by people, appreciating people etc. However, there is another form of appreciation that helps women to feel good about themselves physically and mentally. That is appreciating your body. In our society, at large, oversize clothes, loose clothes are a norm. Most people believe that they help protect women, girls from the prying eyes. Media regularly reports instances of some crazy people saying that girls should only step out in a salwar suit , should not wear jean t-shirt etc as it may create ‘problems’ for them.

There are two aspects to this problem:

1. The society should teach its men to respect women. The mothers should teach their sons to respect women. A lady, once she has a son tends to be so relaxed that she will not even bother about what he does, what company he keeps. On the other hand, if she has a daughter, she tends to hover around like a helicopter keeping a tab on her daughter’s activities. Fathers too tend to take pride in their son’s exploits and brush the complaints aside saying that ‘he is growing up to be a man’. So, it becomes the prerogative of the daughter’s mother to keep her daughter out of the son’s sphere by making her come home early at night, not letting her wear tight clothes etc.
2. The loose clothes not only impact the self esteem of the girl but also help her to lose interest in her body. She doesn’t care about what she wears. Here the point is not about vulgar clothes etc, here it is about wearing decent clothes that fit, that make one look good. In most women, especially older women the interest in their bodies is directly proportional to kind of clothes they wear.

Please let me know if you agree or disagree with me

May be I am fat

May be I walk with a jerk in my knee

But still I am me

May be I live in dreamland all day

May be the cottony clouds are all that I can see

Yet I am me

May be I dont understand a word of geography and history

Yet I am me

There may be millions of stars twinkling in your sky

Sone low, some high

I am happy in my own flickering light

I may not be the brightest of the bright

Yet, I am there in a quiet corner of the sky

Saying hello to the clouds that flit by

A star with a small candle to help you see

Though not millions, but I do help some weary travellers to find their destination

For that, I am happy to be me

Today, whether at home or in office, we seem to have forgotten the art of appreciating people. We tend to take everyone for granted. The boss takes his employees for granted. The husband takes wife for granted and vice versa. Children and parents take each other for granted. We post selfies of ourselves to get appreciated by the online world but we don’t like to appreciate any one. Most of the times this exercise doesn’t need much. A literal or figurative pat on the back… Well done… You were good. Great job. Just a little appreciation makes some ones day brighter… It makes them want to do more for you…. A constructive chain reaction… So go ahead and appreciate people for whatever little value they add to your life… And see the magic!!

There are times when you feel low

There are times life seems slow

There are times when all is good

There are times when nothing works out as it should

There are times when hope rules the heart

There are times when the house of hope seems miles apart

There are times when a stranger’s kind smile brightens up the day

There are times when the heart doesn’t believe what people say

Amidst all these times, life teaches lessons new

Amidst the struggles, smiles and the sky blue

Time seems a healer who knocks at every door

Destiny and free will, heaven knows what’s in store

Sometimes the smallest wish comes true while a big one stays pending

Oh… Life your stories are never ending….

I have an trainer whose husband has just abandoned her. He doesn’t answer her calls nor does he bother to know about his son. The lady is pretty and earns money by teaching yoga. . I haven’t seen the husband but from what I have seen of this lady.. I find her hardworking and sincere. Why do men abandon women like this? This is not divorce but its worse than a divorce when the lady has to fend for herself and her child without any help from anyone. More often than not it is the girl’s parents who help her to rebuild her life. Why is this abandonment? Did the guy have an inferiority complex or he could not stand having a wife who was so hardworking? Why do such men marry? Will this lady be struggling all her life?

I want to start something of my own. A company which can help me to earn money and also provide employment to various people. I am in a full time job which most of the time is overtime. I come back home exhausted. In the morning, I get my kid ready for school and rush to office… When do I put this plan in action? Sunday, I am too tired after a hectic week… No grants nothing…. Why? Why doesn’t anyone help?

Amidst all the PTA routines, office madness and home rush hours, there is something that comes and your life comes to a grinding halt.. The pain of being alone, the pain of no one understanding you, the pain of people just treating you as a work horse or the next available agent… Sometimes its even the pain of the indifference that people treat you with simply because they dont know how to treat you.. And then you wonder about the unfairness of it all… The lone ranger forever walking.. Not stopping for even a breath… Because then you feel guilty… About that breath. Its a lonely walk as you lie in the night wondering at all those idealistic, ideal real life relationships you see and wonder…. Why… What did i do?

This is the beginning of a blog of a single mother in India. I am Sherry and I am a single mother. Lost my husband some five to six years back. However, the word ‘lost’ is really not appropriate but is being used for the lack of a better word. I really didn’t lose him then, I had lost him much before that to alcohol, cigarettes and his mother’s teachings.

In India most women are single women even if they are married because they are expected to take care of the house, husband, kids, job while the husband sits back after a day’s of hard work. It has become such a norm that a working woman will take care of the house, work and kids that if a man does it for a day, its like heaven has opened up. The ads today are many a times about how a man makes breakfast for his wife and she feels on the top of the world. Heck! we do that all the time..why don’t men shout it out from their terraces?

This blog is about the struggles that we single mothers face, as people, as professionals, as parents, as humans. It is about our daily lives where we constantly juggle work and career together. Its about the ‘me’ time that we so desperately crave and feel guilty when we have it. It is about the love that we look for, the soul mate we wish we had but don’t find…it is about how the society in India doesn’t know the word ‘single mother’ and how the government too ignores us…

So dear reader, if you stumble across this blog  and you are or you know some one who is in the same boat, please share…share so that we can make a difference in the world…share anything, your experiences, your crusades, your day……anything

P.S.: Single fathers are also welcome here