Shailaza's Blog

Category: articles by Shailaza Singh

  • The Kiwi Who Landed in Japan……..2

    Simon Rowe is a New Zealander who has fallen in love with Japan and the Japanese culture. His love affair started in the 90s and shows no sign of abating.

    What made you migrate to Japan?
    Japan in the 90s was a very mysterious and closed country. The yen was very high. They wouldn’t allow the freelance writers and you had to have a visa sponsored. I really wanted to go to Japan not just because it was such a mysterious country but also for financial reasons as I could sell a lot of stories of Japan. So, my mother was the one who really helped me because she was reading a Sunday newspaper. She found an advertisement that was for English teachers in Japan. I applied and they accepted. I had to teach seven hours a night time and they sponsored my visa. So, day time I was writing and night time I was teaching. But if you are clever you can actually use the teaching as a way to learn about the culture because you get the students to talk about their culture. So, they get good lessons and you get a lot of material for your stories! So, you are getting the good oil for your writing.


    When did you meet your wife?
    I met her in Japan in 1997 at a party. She liked travelling but not back packing. I introduced her to back packing and we travelled everywhere. Then we moved back to Australia. We had kids and moved back to Japan. She is a yoga teacher now. Her teacher who is a Japanese person lives in Delhi.

    The bar depicted in Mami Suzuki


    Why do you like about Japan?
    I feel at home in Japan because there is a strong sense of community. We have the children’s association, PTA and soccer association. I have two kids. My daughter is 16 years old and my son is 12 years old and a soccer maniac! At home, we are constantly switching between Japanese and English just like you switch between Hindi and English without even being conscious of it!
    How did you learn the Japanese language?
    I used to go out to the bars and restaurants. Bars are the best place to pick up the language because everyone is relaxed and they will talk to you if you are alone and a foreigner. In my city, western Kobe, they are very social people. It is a quiet city which is famous for Himeji Samurai Castle. So every day, hundreds of tourists, get off the train and walk to the castle and then walk back to the train and they are off. It is a lovely place because it has room to breathe and has beautiful people.


    What is your relationship with writing?
    Oh! I had started reading at a very early age. I read books like Jaws, the National Geographic Magazines, Prison Escape stories. So, I had a sense of a story and then growing up in New Zealand you have sense of adventure and you are outside all the time. So, once you have lived the experience and have stories and adventures, then it is not difficult to write. So, I told my students to go out and have an adventure and then write about it. In the last 6 years, I turned to writing fiction because travel writing became too mundane and then we had articles like ‘the ten best places to have coffee in Rome’ or ‘the five best mountains to climb’. So there was really no story telling involved. For us Kiwis, telling stories is a part of our culture. Writing is really storytelling. Writing fiction gives this amazing freedom to create anything you want. That is really enjoyable.

    What do you like about the Japanese lifestyle?
    Everything is very well organized and predictable in Japan. However, if you look closely, it is really like this double-edged sword. I like the fact that everything is predictable. The trains will run on time, the people will never be late, the customer service is the best in the world. They are very patient people. You expect things to happen because that’s the way it always happens. Therefore, you don’t waste time or get angry or irritated. However, by the same token, it can be a bit confounding when they stick to the schedule and the rules. The etiquettes, the rules and the manners are something that requires many years to learn. You cannot just charge in there and do what you want. Like I was in a train and there was an earthquake. The train stopped for about an hour and nobody said anything. I closed my eyes and all I could hear was people breathing. So, you have to be sensitive to the Japanese culture. The thing about the Japanese people is that they are very social and they love drinking and socializing. But they are very good drunks as compared to Australia. In Australia, drunks can fight and kill each other but in Japan even when they are drunk, they look out for each other. When they get drunk, they get noisy, they laugh a lot, they play instruments and then they go home and sleep. They are very nice natured and super welcoming people with almost zero crime. For an outsider, Japan may appear to be too strict, formal and structured but once you get to know it, it becomes one of the best places to live because there are no surprises. You have to have an open mind and it is all about give and take. Like for example, for me as a foreigner, it was difficult understanding why we needed to give a gift to someone who has given us a gift or why certain customs exist. Now, I have come to appreciate all these customs and rituals.


    Do you like coming to India?
    It is my third time in India and first time in Jaipur. In 1992, I came from Katmandu and went to Agra. This was the time of the Hindu Muslim riots. I saw the Taj Mahal the next day and then there was a curfew and no body could leave the hotel because of the riots. It seems funny that I came the same time that the Ram Temple- Babri Masjid issue happened. It seems strange that I am coming back now when all is settled. It brings back a lot of memories. The first two trips were miserable. I got sick and I saw a man die in a very bad way. He put his head on the railway tracks. These things rather depressed me and I couldn’t enjoy myself. I was on my way to Jodhpur. Afterwards, when I was going to the airport, I asked a young boy to get me filtered water, which he didn’t. He got me normal water and I fell sick again.
    This time though it has been wonderful. Everything has been amazing. I am having the best time. I am enjoying the Indian people, the chefs, the taxi guys, the writers, the poets and the volunteers. They are not afraid to give their opinion. In Japan they don’t do that because there is this sense of maintaining harmony where you don’t have to upset anyone by giving your opinion. No one talks politics. So, I am really impressed. India has really changed but I can’t say the same for the tuk tuk drivers! They are the worst when it comes to driving and the money

    This article by Shailaza Singh appeared in Rashtradoot Newspaper’s Arbit Section on April 4, 2024.

  • Simon Rowe Loves A Good Story

    Simon Rowe loves a good story. In fact, he is so fond of story telling that he signed up for an English teacher’s job in Japan and taught his students to talk about the Japanese culture in English. His students learnt English and he became a story teller.

    When I read Mami Suzuki, the latest detective novel by Simon Rowe, it was as if I had found a friend in her. Like me, she is a single mother, struggling to make a living and raise her child. She works two jobs, struggles with the loneliness that comes with being a single mother and tries her best to cope with it. Mami Suzuki seemed so real that I had to know from her creator Simon Rowe if he had really met her in real life or if it was a channelling of sorts. Some excerpts from the rendezvous at the Jaipur Literature Festival.

    Are you anything like your heroine Mami Suzuki?
    (Laughs). Yes to some extent, I am. I am middle aged, I live in Japan but that’s where the similarity ends. Mami is a composite character, a figment of the imagination but drawn from all the women that I know in Japan, who are middle aged, who are working hard (in some cases two jobs), might be single mothers. My wife too is a middle aged Japanese woman. She is very busy too. Mami means true beauty.
    So, was this character inspired by your wife?

    (Smiles). That is what I will tell her! But it is much more than that. As a foreigner, I guess I can see and observe more details about the Japanese people and a lot differently as compared to the natives. Though I have been here for the last 27 years, Japan still looks new and fresh to me. In a way it is death by stimulation. There is just too much for a writer to take in.

    Did Mami walk into your brain preformed or did you have to think her up?
    First of all, we start with the motivation. I wanted to tell a story where the character overcomes a lot of difficulties and succeeds in the end. About that time in 2020, I was creating a collection of short stories which was to be self-published through crowd funding. The motivation for the last story came from a leaflet advertising services of a female detective in Japanese language which is very rare. It showed a middle-aged woman dressed in short suit. I filed away this idea but then ideas have a life of their own. They pop up at unexpected times. I was reading detective series like Agatha Christie, Raymond Chandler, Arthur Conan Doyle, Alexander McCall Smith (the author of No.1 Ladies Detective Agency). So the idea came to me of a single mother who lived in Kobe, a place where I live in western Japan. A tale of triumph and adversity. So that is where I found the story. That’s how the character came about and it was built by research which including interviewing some Tokyo detectives as well. The thing is there aren’t many female detectives in Japan so the thing is you need a new spin on the old stereotype of the wine drinking, chain smoking detective with a woman waiting for him in the bar. So, I flipped it upside down. So, now I have the hard working, beer drinking single mother who has two jobs and she has her love interest waiting in the bar!


    Mami you say is a work of fiction. However, when one reads the book, it seems as if she is real woman. Did you study single mothers to write Mami?
    Mami feels like a woman I know well, although I’ve never met anyone exactly like her. I know quite a few single mothers here in Japan. They are friends or acquaintances of both my wife and I, and so often we hear about their trials and tribulations, but not so much about their triumphs. I guess that was the motivation behind writing this story. 

    I wanted my protagonist to finish victorious. That is, by the end of the story, Mami retakes control of her destiny by going professional and ridding herself of the male-dominated hotel executive world. To go it alone is very risky in Japan, it takes guts and determination, but there aren’t too many options for single mothers, many of whom have to juggle work and family life to the best of their (financial and emotional) ability. I believe their lot has even gotten worse due to inflation (and wages not keeping pace with rising prices) and the ongoing recession, which means less full time jobs with benefits (although childcare remains sparse here in Japan) and more part-time jobs without benefits.
    I find there is more social stigma attached to single motherhood in Japan. My sister, who lives in rural Australia, is a single mother but she is lucky that she has a full-time job (with benefits) which allows her to work from home. There isn’t the same stigma in Australia either. 

    Japanese single mothers struggle to find childcare possibilities because they must travel to their place of work, which is more likely to be part-time rather than full-time, and therefore not possible to do from home. Japan was ranked 125 out of 146 countries for gender inequality, which is very negative indeed. 
    I guess the other source of research has been my job as an English teacher. Most of my students now are female (I teach at Kobe Women’s University) and so I often read their very honest stories of family life and relationships with their parents. Writing gives them a chance to say things they wouldn’t say aloud in class. In a way, writing is a cathartic exercise and I feel many of them enjoy it for this reason. I certainly don’t mine their lives for details to add to my stories, but as a whole they give me a feeling for the single parent dynamic which exists here in Japan.


    Tell us about your growing up days.
    I grew up in New Zealand. We immigrated to Melbourne for the final days of the schooling. I have younger siblings too. I finished the university and I became a travel writer. I was always fond of writing and I realized travel and writing together were really a good way to see the world. So for the next 10-12 years, I travelled around the world. I used to write a story, take photos and make a package and send it to multiple publications and be paid multiple times. We can’t do that now. I had a self-perpetuating existence where I was travelling with a back pack and had cameras and I had pretty wild life. Things I won’t do now. Like take small boats way way up to the jungle or ride a bus to Morocco. A lot of hard travel. It was stimulating and gave me something to write about because I believe if you write a travel story it should be authentic. Like for example, I met this guy who is chef and he makes the best chicken biryani in Delhi. So, it is not just about the food but the man also. With time, the competition became great to the point where I would go to a small island in the Pacific and discover someone from my rival publication was already there. Though I was working freelance, yet the competition was great.

    …To be continued

    This article by Shailaza Singh appeared in Rashtradoot Newspaper’s Arbit Section on April 3rd, 2024

    ….To be continued

  • DALAI LAMA AND I

    There is something about His Holiness The Dalai Lama that disarms you the moment you meet him. Thoughts fly out of your mind, you forget what you had to say and become as happy as a toddler who is given his favourite toy. Without lifting a finger, this man creates some powerful magic- his key ingredient is compassion.

    The Dalai Lama

    How do I stop the thoughts in my mind?’
    ‘By compassion. Karuna. When you have karuna, you no longer have thoughts about others. The Chinese took away my land from me but I don’t have anything against them. Have compassion.’
    These words were no ordinary words; the speaker was not an ordinary man. He was Jetsun Jamphel Ngawang Lobsang Yeshe Tenzin Gyatso, also known as His Holiness, The Dalai Lama XIV . My daughter and I were meeting him at his residence in McLeod Ganj. The meeting itself was serendipitous.

    The Dalai Lama with the Indian Visitors

    My daughter and I had been to McLeod Ganj before too. Each time, we used to visit the Dalai Lama temple, we used to stare at his photograph and my daughter used to ask me, ‘Mom, does he live here?’
    I used to nod.
    ‘Why can’t we meet him?’
    ‘Because he does not meet everybody?’
    ‘Why not. I want to meet him!’
    When we had last visited McLeod Gunj in 2022, she had actually prayed to his photograph.
    ‘I really want to meet you. I feel as if you are my grandfather. Please.’
    At that time, I didn’t pay much heed to her conversation with his photograph. After we came back to Jaipur, she never mentioned this incident and I too had forgotten about it. But this time when we were getting ready to visit Dharamshala again for her summer holidays, I saw a photograph of Dalai Lama on the internet. ‘What if I could meet him?’ I wondered. I visited his site and tried to look up his public program.

    There wasn’t much there except the email address of his office. I emailed his office but wasn’t really expecting a reply especially because his official website had categorically mentioned that in view of his old age, his meetings and public appearances were quite limited.
    I checked after a week, there was no reply. During this time, I also saw the pictures of the well known actress Preity Zinta and her husband meeting the Dalai Lama. Looking at those pictures, I decided to email them again on a Sunday. Worst case scenario? They won’t reply! At least I would know I tried. I was browsing the net on Tuesday, when I saw a notification on my email. It said ‘The Dalai Lama’s Office’. I clicked it and there it was- the reply that I had been hoping and waiting for – ‘We will be able to include you in our outdoor public blessing. You need to report at our office at 7 am. Please note masks are mandatory.’

    The Dalai Lama

    They had also included a form in which I had to enter our Aadhar card numbers. I looked at the email again hardly daring to believe my eyes. Was it a hoax? Was it real? Will I really get to meet ‘The Dalai Lama’, the Nobel Laureate? The email looked genuine enough. I tried the numbers mentioned on the email but no one picked up. Finally, I wrote back confirming my availability on the schedule and requested an acknowledgement to the mail. The acknowledgement took 24 hours in coming; a day that was plagued with all kinds of doubts. What if it was some elaborate plan to trap me? But my worries were laid to rest when I received a very simple ‘Thanks, I have received it.’ I could hardly believe my luck! I was finally going to meet not just the man who had received the 1989 Nobel Peace Prize or the man who has given China sleepless nights by simply being him but someone who is considered a living God, the revered reincarnation of the Buddha of Compassion (Avalokiteśvara), by Tibetans and Buddhists all over the world, the former spiritual and temporal ruler of Tibet! When I told my daughter about it, she was ecstatic!


    Though Dharamshala is said to be the headquarters of The Dalai Lama, he actually resides in McLeod Ganj, a little suburb of Dharamshala, which was about 5 kilometres from where we were staying. I was so excited that I could not sleep the night before. It had rained through out the night. Thankfully, the rains had stopped just before the dawn.
    It was a beautiful morning. We reached the Dalai Lama temple, which serves as the residence of the Dalai Lama. It has a beautiful garden that surrounds the courtyard, which is decked by trees and lined by pathways on either side and ends at a large pagoda like structure which serves as a veradah. I could see a long line of people already waiting for His Holiness. These were mostly Tibetans who were settled in Dharamshala or McLeod Ganj.

    The Dalai Lama

    The Tibetans were sitting in a line and chatting away happily. They were all dressed in their Sunday best. After all, they were going to meet their beloved God. There were also a lot of Indians like us and a couple of foreigners who had perhaps come for the first time to meet the Dalai Lama.

    The Dalai Lama meeting people


    The guards told us to wait but I kept having doubts. What if the Dalai Lama doesn’t come? What if the event is cancelled? What if it rains? There were many like me who could not wait quietly. Every two minutes, there was some one or the other from the group who had to walk to the guards with a new query. But the guards had also probably imbibed some of the compassion and patience that the Dalai Lama is famous for. They answered all the questions patiently. After a while, some one from the office came with a sheet of paper and called out our names. Once that process was over, all the Indians were asked to sit in a well lit and ventilated sitting room which was adorned with photographs and posters of Dalai Lama.
    Soon, all the Indians were called and requested to queue up for the security check. And boy! What a security check it was. Everything was checked. We had women security guards and they thoroughly frisked us. Our bags, wallets, belts, mobiles and everything else was marked and coded with yellow paper tokens and kept aside. We were given a corresponding token to help us to recognize our bags during collection. ‘But what about the photographs?’ my daughter protested. ‘The photographs will be taken and sent to you,’ said the security guard.
    Once the security check was done, we were again asked to stand in a line in the veranda with our masks on our faces. We waited with baited breath. Soon, the Dalai Lama entered the veranda. He couldn’t walk much so he was supported by two monks who helped him to sit down on his chair. The guards requested us to come one by one. We had diligently worn our masks because the email and the guards had asked us to. But the Dalai Lama had perhaps not paid any attention to these instructions. In his audience was a little girl, about 10 years old. He asked her to pull down her mask so that he could see her properly. He held her hand and whispered a prayer for her. But it was not just for her. Each person that he met received the same treatment. The same warm smile, the holding of the hands, the whispering of the prayer. A lady who was waiting ahead of us remarked to her husband, ‘this is why they say that the climate in Dharamshala is always pleasant. It is his aura that makes every thing so beautiful here.’
    Soon, it was our turn. We walked to him and he smiled. I bent down to touch his feet and he blessed me. As I rose up, he took both my daughter’s and my hand and murmured a small prayer. He inquired about what we did and I told him that I was a journalist. My daughter asked him, ‘How do I stop all these negative thoughts in my mind?’ He looked at the interpreter who translated her question into Tibetic language. He smiled, held our hands and replied in English, ‘You stop these thoughts through compassion, through ‘karuna’. When you have compassion towards yourself, your friends, family and even people who don’t like you, the negative thoughts stop. With compassion, you start understanding that the people who hurt you or trouble you are too are bound by their own destiny, circumstances and problems. Sometimes, things don’t happen the way we want them to. Then we start blaming ourselves, people around us or our country or the world. Compassion helps us. Even though the Chinese have taken away my motherland from me, I can only bless them with compassion. I have nothing against them. Have ‘karuna’ towards people and yourself and you will not think any negative thoughts.’ Tears of joy filled my eyes as he blessed us and we moved forward. We were given the customary red thread and the prasadam by some senior monks. As we walked out of the sprawling premises of the Dalai Lama temple, I couldn’t help marvel at the simplicity of this man who was a world leader and a God for millions. After walking in silence for some time, my daughter said, ‘He doesn’t seem like my grandfather; he is my fairy god father!’

    This article titled Dalai Lama and I by Shailaza Singh was published in Rashtradoot Newspaper’s Arbit Section on July 4, 2023

  • The Ziddi Administrator

    …Hardworking, innovative, out of box thinker, so much admired, but never a favourite of any politician

    He had about 34 postings in 33 years of service. Some of the postings have lasted just about 4 months. Yet P N Bhandari, former IAS officer has never complained. In fact, he is almost arrogantly proud of what he has achieved in his three decades of government service, seeking justice rather than mere adherence of law.

    P N Bhandari, former IAS officer and Addnl. CS

    Once the CM Bhairon Singh Shekhawat, asked a senior officer who knew PN Bhandari from his childhood days and hailed from PN Bhandari’s home town Jodhpur ‘why is P N so ‘akdu’?’ The senior bureaucrat laughingly told him that as the legend goes, that all Oswals of Jodhpur were Rajputs who converted to Jainism. The last of this lot who joined this transformation were the Bhandaris of Jodhpur. Hence, they are more like Rajputs.


    It is worth mentioning here that Bhairon Singh was a great admirer of Bhandari as a bureaucrat. In fact, once in the assembly, when he was the leader of the opposition, he got up to defend Bhandari, who was commissioner, sales tax and was being attacked in the assembly by young Nathu Singh, a leader of Bhairon Singhs party for waiving off interest amount in an overdue payment worth crore. Bhairon Singh told his young MLA that PN Bhandari’s integrity and commitment is unquestionable, so there should never be an iota of doubt about his honesty. Later when they met at a social function (marriage), Shekhawat Saab told PN Bhandari that he defended him in the assembly ‘because if an officer like you is attacked, it will actually sully our credibility.’
    But where did Bhandari get this steely style of conviction and governance? How did he have such self-belief which over time developed into hardened, unchangeable, intense commitment?

    Aristocratic Taste
    After talking to his friends, it was evident that Bhandari was greatly influenced by two people in his life- his father, who was a government employee in the labour department and his maternal uncle, Justice Inderjeet Modi who later on became the chief justice of Rajasthan. Both were men of letters, very disciplined, very meticulously painstaking in their work. Both came from mainly Marwari speaking background, but both were known for their exclusive English as is evident from Bhandari’s father’s letters written to his son and Justice Modi’s judgements that he penned in the court.
    However, Justice Modi was known for his aristocratic taste, his love for expensive cars. He was also quite close to the Hanwant Singh, the erstwhile maharaja of Jodhpur. Bhandari’s father died early and the family sent Bhandari’s sister and him to live and study with his mama Modi. Bhandari inherited both the men’s dedication and fluency in English language, but he did not inherit the aristocratic sartorial taste and style of his maternal uncle. Till today, whether it is about his attire or tastes, Bhandari is a simple man almost austere in his mannerisms. The question is where did he get his ‘akdupan’? The general belief is that he developed his unique style on his own.
    This style also entails a single-minded devotion to work. His son Rajneesh recalls that while growing up, he hardly got any time to interact with PN Bhandari. Bhandari was working or dwelling in his work where ever he was posted. There was a library at home of about 5000 books but not Perry Mason type fiction but substantive and heavy reading ones. There was no television at home till Rajneesh passed his twelfth standard but every weekend his mother would pack up some lunch and the family would be out in the country side where Bhandari would meet people to talk to them alone or in groups. This was his style of getting feedback.
    The night before the family left for this (‘holiday’), Bhandari would give Rajneesh a book, a serious and fat one. All throughout the journey Bhandari would intensely and passionately discuss the contents of the book: analysing, debating, illustrating with examples and incidents.

    Strong Conviction
    Once as the car journey started, Bhandari realized the book was in the dickie of the car. He parked the car and opened the dickie to retrieve the book. The bonnet fell on his head as he was rampaging through the luggage for the book. The hook got embedded in his head. There was massive bleeding as Rajneesh recalls he was frightened out of his wits. Bhandari was rushed to the nearest hospital. The treatment took some time and stitches under anaesthesia and the doctor asked him to have complete rest in the day. But Bhandari ji was back on the wheels and resumed the discussion on the book as if nothing had happened and the intermission or the tea break was over.
    Rajneesh also remembers from his childhood, that at home there was such great intensity about work that there were no diversions like even going out to eat. Rajneesh says he studied in nine schools of all types: Hindi medium, English medium, government schools, private schools, all over Rajasthan, wherever his mother was posted in government college and Bhandari in the government in the same place.
    It was often discussed in government circles why Bhandari did not take a posting in Delhi where his innovativeness would have found a wider and more appreciative audience. Probably the answer is that he needed the money; because the salaries of wife and self were required to run the large family of five brothers and sisters and he happened to be the head of the family. Oh yes, there was one cheating. Wherever he was posted in rural, semirural or urban centre, there used to be almost once a week, late night movie on Saturday night in the hall because then and even now Bhandari and his wife are fond of movies but not at home or Netflix or television. Television even today is only meant for news as a part of Bhandari’s effort to know what is happening in the society.
    This single-minded concentration had helped Bhandari top the Rajasthan judiciary exam. The mama, the great jurist was surprised. He said, ‘you can become IAS officer. Study and take the exam.’ Bhandari protested, ‘You are the only one who prevented me from trying for IAS. And now when it is almost too late, you are asking me to do it. Only one chance remains for me to qualify.’
    But mama persisted and told him, ‘Take your cousin D.R (Mehta’s) notes. He had worked very hard and prepared extensive notes and has just got into IAS (the first one in the family).’ The rest is history. Bhandari became the second IAS officer in the family.
    Even today his nature of cutting the fuss and getting along with the work keeps him going. After retirement, he took up law, nothing greatly unusual but during COVID when his stenos found it hard to come to office or home for dictation, he learnt at the ripe age of 80 plus the use of the computer from his granddaughter who returned home after completing her course in innovation and engineering. Now he is so adept at it that he handles (types etc) long, lengthy complex files of his cases all by himself.
    As you get to know him better, you realize that the so-called arrogance is actually an unyielding, uncompromising style in work and general existence. But what really dawns through is his conviction. His views are so well shaped in his mind that they are almost etched in his psyche and personality. He feels that his conviction in his thoughts don’t need any correction. This strong conviction gives maybe him the strength to stick to his views and out of the box thinking no matter how unconventional or irritating his approach may appear to his seniors or colleagues.
    Out of the box as implied by definition is not simply about not treading on well-trodden paths mentally but almost shunning these conventional methods and trying to find new and solutions. For being so daring, one has to have a lot of self-belief.
    To be continued…

    This article by Shailaza Singh was published in Rashtradoot Newspaper’s Arbit Section on 5 May 2023

  • From a home to a house

    After my uncle’s death this was the first time I had entered his house. It seemed strange because before this whenever we used to come to the village, he would always be there to greet us. His way of showing his love and affection was simple- he would get our favourite foods made; which translated into the best chicken or mutton for my mom, dad and daughter and the best vegetarian preparations for me. Today, a heavy, uncomfortable silence greets us. Instead of his booming voice and infectious, dimpled laughter, his smiling photographs greet us. Not the same thing. Never can be.


    What is it about death that even though you know that everybody will die one day, you refuse to believe it? I know my uncle is no more but looking at his old diaries, his meagre belongings, I always feel like believing that he has just gone somewhere and will be back sooner or later. Paradoxically, when someone so close dies a sudden death, it becomes a constant reminder of your own mortality. Dusty and unanswered questions which were just lying somewhere start stalking you everywhere. You wonder about who you are and why are you here? Each night when I close my eyes, I wonder what will it be like when I close my eyes for the final time? Will I close them softly or will I close them in pain? Then, as thoughts of death crowd my mind, the futility of everything begins to dawn. This was my uncle’s house. These were my uncle’s clothes, plates, books, belongings. But today, they are no longer his. They belong to someone else. They no longer owe any allegiance to him. What’s the point of collecting anything then?


    My uncle was a bachelor, so he just kept what he used and threw the rest or gave it away. In a way he had no attachments. So when the messenger of death came, in that split second he didn’t have to ask him to wait. Instead, he was ready. He was lying in his bed. When his man Friday came to tell him that food is ready, he found him lying on the bed peacefully. There were no signs of pain or anguish. The bedsheet was wrinkleless. The intresting thing is that he used to often snap his fingers and say ‘When I go, I will be gone in a second! Just like that! And that he did!
    He loved drinking alcohol everyday. Often he would drink himself to a stupor where he would then start talking, shouting and talking in a slurred delirium. My mother often used to admonish him for drinking too much but he would shush her. His liver had started showing signs of abuse but his heart was still alright according to the medical reports. He hated diets. He always ate whatever he felt like having; he scoffed at the idea of healthy eating. All this makes me wonder if all this talk about diets, healthy lifestyle and avoiding everything else really works. Because his death was what most people aspire for. Painless and quick. He did not languish in hospital beds or looked up to people for helping him out of the bed or to walk. Till the last day, he was up and about.


    Like dogs, houses also have this strange thing about reflecting the personality of their owner. When he used to live here, the pink and white hues of the house appeared vibrant and festive. Today, the same walls appear brooding and forlorn. Through the windows of the house the desert looked inviting, mysterious and beckoned us to come and explore its hidden sands. Today , the desert looks morose and lost in despair. Or may be it is the eye of the beholder. I wonder if coming here would still be as exciting in the future? May be the excitement was because he was waiting for us everytime we came here. Today, its just a house. Yesterday, it was a home.

  • Lies Our Mothers Told Us

    She has seen and survived abuse. But Nilanjana Bhowmick refuses to believe that women are lesser than men in any way. In her search for the truth, she has dispelled all the lies that the women were told by their own mothers about how pleasing and serving their husbands and taking care of their children is the only aim of their lives.

    Her mother was a detective police officer. Her father was a businessman. Every month, her mother would hand over her salary to her father who would then give her mother a monthly allowance. Every time he did not like the vegetable or dal that her mother or her grandmother cooked, her father would throw the utensils in a fit of anger. The witness to this exercise were the permanent stains of the dal borne by her living room’s walls. Though her mother was a detective police officer (one would think that she knew the law and people would be scared of her), she was constantly abused by her father. He did not want her to continue her job and for her mother, job was the only outlet she had, so she refused to give it up. Her father did not let her mother have friends or invite her colleagues home and constantly suspected her of having affairs with her colleagues.

    Nilanjana Bhowmick’s Story in Time Magazine


    These are not words out of a novel or a story. This is the life story of Nilanjana Bhowmick, an independent award-wining journalist from New Delhi and the author of Lies Our Mothers Told Us. Nilanjana has worked with a variety of well known media publications for the last two decades including BBC and the TIME Magazine. She was awarded by the European Commission and the Institute of Development Studies (IDS) in the UK for her work on gender and social justice and has been featured in the 2019 Women of Impact issue of the National Geographic Magazine. Her book Lies Our Mothers Told Us talks about the gender equalities inside India’s middle class.

    Nilanjana Bhowmick with her husband Tathagata on their wedding day

    ESCAPING PATRIARCHY
    Meeting Nilanjana Bhowmick at the Jaipur Literature Festival 2023 is a revelation of sorts into the human nature. It is difficult to believe that behind that candid demeanour and full-blown laughter lies a childhood of abuse and love. The interesting bit is that she could have escaped all that when she landed a gig with BBC. Yet she chose to come back to India. The conversation that ensued was quite riveting.
    When one asked her why she chose to come back to India, she said, ‘I had to come back to India as I believed that my true calling lay here. I know in a developed country there is security, there is money but I wasn’t happy in my work. I felt a lack of challenge. I came back to India in 2002-03 and I joined The Times of India Newspaper because I wanted to learn print journalism and my first assignment was to write about an old age home, which was being run by some minister. So, I went and met these old people living there. Most of their children were living abroad. Physically they seemed okay but I was struck by how lonely they all were. All their children were doing well in life but the parents had nothing to look forward too. When I came back home, I couldn’t sleep for three nights. I kept crying and I couldn’t forget the emptiness that I saw in their eyes. My mother who has herself been a cop said that as a journalist I couldn’t be that empathetic with my subjects otherwise I won’t be able to work. Over the years, I realized the wisdom of her words. It did take time to develop a thick skin but despite that I still get affected by the people I talk to. My therapist says this is because I am an empath or a person who tends to be acutely perceptive of the feelings or emotions of other people.’
    What inspired her to write Lies Our Mothers Told Us? ‘Apart from my mother, I have seen a number of women being subjected to these kind of abuses and neglect. But most of them glorify it. Some of these women feel ‘lucky’ that they were ‘allowed’ to go outside and work so they show their gratitude by working hard inside and outside the house. For Indian parents, marriage is the be-all and end-all of their lives. They bring up their daughters to think that if they don’t get married at the right age, their lives aren’t great. Secondly, a lot of women want to get married because they want to escape patriarchy at home. Most women are always told that they are ‘paraya dhan’ and they can only live their lives the way they want only once they get married. For them, their ultimate aim of life is to get married. Some of them feel lucky enough to find someone who accepts them and loves them for who they are (at least in the courtship period) . But some are not so lucky and get boyfriends who mistreat them but still they get married to such abusive boyfriends just to escape the patriarchy of their fathers or brothers.’
    But don’t you think Indian women have progressed a great deal in the past few decades? ‘Yes, to an extent that is true. But even today, most parents and even relatives feel that the only job of parents is to marry off their daughter at the right age. I remember when I had first got a chance to study abroad, my mom was very proud. My aunts had come over and were trying to dissuade my mother from sending me since they felt that sending me abroad won’t do me any good since ultimately my place is in the kitchen of my husband!’
    But then is thinking about marriage wrong? ‘No, but don’t make that the ultimate aim of your daughter’s life! Educate her, let her explore the world. Don’t start saving for your daughter’s marriage. I had a friend whose mother used to gift my friend’s daughter some gold ornament on every birthday, so that she could build a substantial dowry for her.’

    Nilanjana Bhowmick with her son Che

    A BURDEN OR BOJH
    Most parents would say that it is the societal norms that compel them to marry off their daughters. A single girl in the family is looked down upon. ‘Yes I know but then the change has to come from the parents themselves. If you see in most families, it is the mothers who start worrying about their daughters’ marriages. The change will only come when the mothers will stop thinking that the marriage is the end all of the world and will start instilling confidence and a sense of belonging in their daughters instead of making them feel as if they are an unwanted burden or just a guest in her own house. I think we should normalize ‘being single’ for women.’
    But there are people who say that we consider our daughters like our sons. Statements like ye hamari beti nahin beta hai are quite common. Many parents have encouraged their daughters to work and live an independent life. ‘Some people do tell me that they are very ‘progressive in their thinking’ and they treat their daughters like ‘sons’. But what they don’t realize is the amount of mental trauma that they put on their daughters by labelling them as ‘sons’. A daughter looking after her parents should be treated as a daughter, not as a son. Just imagine, what kind of a mental trauma does a girl go through- when she cannot do anything for the parents, she is labelled as a burden or bhoj. When she does something, she is called a son and not a daughter. In a way, she is not acknowledged as a daughter no matter what she does. Don’t you think that is unfair? As far as the women who achieve are concerned, I feel they are still in silos. Those who achieve something are mostly thought of as those who are intellectually better off, more privileged. Yes, there are women who are educated working professionals. But do you see the kind of pressure they have to bear? They are not just expected to take care of their job, earn money for the family but also take care of the children, attend the parent teacher meetings, make the children do the homework, take care of the home. Most of them are ‘allowed’ to work only if they promise not to burden their husband or in-laws with any of their ‘household’ responsibilities.’

    Receiving the award for best story from Asia-Pacific at the Diageo Women Empowerment Awards in 2014

    ACHIEVING EQUALITY


    Have you faced any discrimination at work? ‘Yes! All my life I have faced discrimination. When I had first come to India after my stint at BBC and joined the Times of India, I didn’t know what salary was norm, so I took whatever salary they offered me since I wanted a footing in this field. After three months, a new guy (who is now my husband) joined at the same level as me and I came to know that his salary was fifty percent more than mine. I went to the HR and inquired but they said that I should have brought this up when I had joined and they made it very clear to me that if I am not happy, I could leave. Women have always been dispensable part of the workforce. My mom was also of the opinion that I was lucky enough to get the job and I should just do the job and not get into these salary discussions because she felt that if I lost my job, I would have to be dependent on some body. In my life, I have been pushed out of every newsroom that I have worked in because I tend to speak my mind and the ‘boys’ clubs in most organizations didn’t like that. I make no bones about the fact that I am ambitious, a go getter with new ideas, I have been open about my ideas and that has not gone well with most people. So, eventually, I have been a freelancer for most of my life.’
    Looking at the current scenario, don’t you think achieving equality for women is quite a tall order? ‘ I think we can achieve this. Just look at the progress that has been made. My husband is a man who says ‘why not’ instead of ‘why’ whenever I want to do something new in my personal or professional life. Men like these also exist. Earlier women weren’t allowed to vote, today they vote, they weren’t allowed to drive or work in offices. Today the scenario has changed. So, I completely believe that there will come a day when ‘being single’ will no longer be an anomaly for an Indian woman. If we keep talking about it, if we keep having these discussions, I am sure there will be a day when being single will no longer be a cause of concern for a woman. I believe that there will be a day when parents will say ‘our daughters are not our sons, they are much better than our sons!’

    This article by Shailaza Singh appeared in Rashtradoot Newspaper’s Arbit Section on Sunday March 5, 2023

  • Of Death and Dying

    My uncle passed away on 26 January 2023. A fifty something man, he was a bachelor who lived life king-size. He ate what he felt like, he drank when he felt like and he loved to splurge on himself and people.

    His death was also like him. Quite uncomplicated. On 26th morning, he had spent some time talking on the phone to his friends and relatives. He was excited about an upcoming wedding in the village. After the phone calls, he told his helper to prepare the water for his bath. The helper did his bidding and went out. After sometime, the helper returned with his midmorning meal to find him lying on the bed covered with quilt. He tried shaking him awake but he had passed away. A silent heart attack. There weren’t any wrinkles on the bed, no sign of any pain or distress on his face. It was almost as if he had gone off to sleep and this time forever.

    I don’t know why some people get such an easy death while others languish for a while before passing on. Maybe, he lived a very uncomplicated life. Maybe he didn’t have much to think about and let go. No children of his own, no wife,no responsibilities as such.

    This really has got me thinking. Life is so transient, so volatile. We never know which moment will be our last. We don’t know anything actually…despite our accomplishments in science and space. We may fool ourselves by proclaiming humans as the most evolved species of the planet but the truth is that we are as helpless as all other beings on earth. So, live well for as long as your breaths last.

    Something Else

    I wonder if an easy death is what heaven looks like. Slight discomfort and those last minutes where your life review happens (as reported in near death experiences) where you know you’ve done your best no matter what. Perhaps thats what my uncle experienced. But I will never know. And when I will finally know, I will not be able to tell anyone….

    Such is life…and death

  • From ‘Jaipur Literature Festival’ to ‘It can happen anywhere conference’

    Once upon a time, in the land of kings, came an yearly festival that was adored and revered by all. It was about books, stories, authors, food, heritage and much more. But then the great storm of time blew in the land and all that remained were the authors, books and blank white walls.

    ‘Abhi to mandir bana hai aur murat ki stapna hui hai. Pran pratishta abhi baaki hai’. (The temple has been built, the idol has been installed. But the life spirit is yet to come). These were the words spoken by Padmashree Pushpesh Pant, the well known historian and a self- confessed foodie. The venue was the sixteenth edition of the Jaipur Literature Festival at the Clarks Amer Hotel in Jaipur.
    Last year, was the first time that JLF had been forced out of its original home in Diggi Palace Hotel and that too in the heat of March where people sweated profusely while tredding on the hot sands.
    This year, the God of seasons has smiled and the balmy winter sun has embraced people with open arms in the grounds of Hotel Clarks Amer. But has it remained the festival that it once was?

    There was something that happened to you as you entered Diggi Palace for the Literature Festival. The old world charm of the building and its surroundings transported you to an era of Shakespeare or Dickens or even Enid Blyton or the old Jaipur where you could expect some royal person to welcome you or perhaps even imagine the tales of the lore. The walls of that place served as a perfect backdrop to the stories that were being narrated because the Palace itself housed a treasure trove of stories, an integral part of the heritage of Rajasthan. If you were more adventurous, you could probably smell a mystery or intrigue brewing amidst those green grounds or those ornately decorated rooms.. An interview with an author became an intimate affair peppered with stories as you sat listening to their anecdotes in one of the smaller anterooms or a tucked away corner.

    If you were lucky enough, sometimes, as you shuffled through the jostling crowds you could bump into a Javed Akhtar or Gulzar or a Manisha Koirala or any such small or big celebrity. With some of the others, you could hope to say a hi at lunch or dinner. That was the literature festival we had grown to like and love, where anyone regardless of their caste, creed or income could enter freely to listen to the written word. A festival where a common man could meet a celebrity sans the forever present bouncers and body guards and relive, retell and perhaps treasure that one experience of meeting their idol for the rest of their lives.

    I won’t be surprised if the person visiting the literature festival today would probably scoff at this narrative and even end up joking that perhaps I am undergoing a past life regression. Today’s literature fest has donned a new avatar. It has shedded the skin, bones, the blood of the pichla janam and has now become a full blown sheher ka mela albeit with a heart of steel. There is music, there are performances, there is drama but all wrapped in plastic casings. You can see them but you cannot touch them, let alone experience them. Or may be the entire festival is a buffet table set with ungarnished but seemingly good food.

    Despite an entrance fee of 200 INR, the literati crowd has vanished and has now been replaced by selfie clicking fans. They aren’t interested in books or authors. Instead, they are just looking for a good selfie time. While walking around the literature festival venue, I initially almost felt guilty for disrupting these selfie masterpieces which were almost at every nook and corner but then after encountering a dozen or more with a hastily muttered sorry, I stopped apologizing for walking through their selfies and just walked away ignoring their glares.

    On the first day of JLF, a strange incident happened. After lunch, I decided to visit the washroom for obvious reasons. However I found there were almost ten people waiting for their turn in that bathroom. I went to a floor above and discovered more ladies waiting their turn in this bathroom too. Someone advised me to try the next floor but when I went there, the floor was seemingly almost under construction or renovation ( could not ask anyone since there was no one around). Ultimately I reconciled to my fate and went back to the original washroom on the ground floor to wait for my turn. I had never faced this predicament in Diggi Palace for they always had a bevy of mobile bathrooms for those natural urges. Not that I am comparing or complaining. We should all learn to control our natural urges!

    The crowds that thronged Gulzar’s or Sudha Murthy’s sessions were huge. Though it seemed as if her songs were adlibbed, people were still dancing to Usha Uthup’s songs. Many queued to get their books signed by their idols and perhaps that was where the fun was. In some sessions, people were busy scrolling their phones while the speakers droned on. Or perhaps that’s the new way of subconscious listening to enable better understanding.

    I remember a dialogue from the movie ‘Band Baja Barat’. In a scene where Anushka Sharma and Ranveer Singh are trying to find a caterer for their wedding, their friend advises them ‘ Shaadi mein sabse zyada logon ko kya pasand hai? Khana! Woh saari sajawat bhool jayenge par khaana yaad karenge’ (people will forget everything about the wedding but they will remember the food that was served). Though this literature festival isn’t a wedding function per say, it is no less than one either. In the earlier days, one could expect to be introduced to new delicacies of the Rajasthani cuisine which made the literature festival an attraction for the lovers of food too. Today’s reality is quite different. There were those customary versions of sev matar or paneer or bajre ki rab which are perhaps as common place as a chola bhatura but it was no longer a food fest of the yesteryears. It was food, and food is for pure simple consumption, not for experiencing eclectic flavors. Veena, a home maker from Jaipur who visited the festival on Sunday said, ‘The food is so ordinary. Namak bhi kam hai (the salt is also less) We could have had better food in a restaurant. To think, we paid about 13,000 rupees for an entire day’s package. We did not even get to meet any celebrities during lunch. This is really a different festival. We weren’t expecting it !’

    But then, people from Delhi or Punjab or apna Jaipur did not visit the literature festival to eat food or experience that wee bit of Rajasthan. They had come to listen to authors like the Nobel laureate Abdulrazak Gurnah or Shashi Tharoor or Deepti Naval or the plethora of other authors who had descended on the city. Most of them including Sudha Murthy, Shobha De professed their love for JLF in no uncertain words. They even said that this venue has more space and is much better than the old home of JLF. Perhaps they were right after all. The books were in the bookshop, the authors were on the dais, it was business as usual, what more could one ask for?

    The culture was dusty and forgotten

    On my way to the different venues of the literature festivals, I saw this little board which said ‘I love culture’. It was lying in a corner, dusty and forgotten.

    This article by Shailaza Singh appeared in Rashtradoot Newspaper’s Arbit Section on January 24, 2023

  • The virtues of selfishness

    In our culture, great importance is given to family, to sacrificing and to keeping yourself last. People revere those who sacrifice and ultimately those who sacrifice get a raw deal.

    Today a friend of mine happened to mention a common friend who is quite a selfish guy. He doesn’t think about anyone and keeps demanding this and that from his parents. Though his parents cribbed and constantly complained about his selfishness, they eventually gave in to every demand. His sister on the other hand was constantly thinking about her parents and him. She cared for them first and thought about herself the last. Ultimately, her parents too didn’t think about her. My friend said that it is true that if we think about ourselves, only then do people think about us. No one thinks about people who don’t think about themselves.

  • A Doctor With His Eyes Wide Open

    It is often said that when a student is ready, the teacher appears and when he is truly ready, the teacher disappears. Dr. Pavan Shorey’s life has been a roller coaster of a myriad of emotions which he has learned to deal with. He believes meeting his guru helped him to gain a new lease of life.

    Dr. Pavan Shorey

    The well-known author Louise Hay says that the professions that we choose are more than our bread and butter. They also represent and help us to find our purpose in our lives. Dr. Pavan Shorey, who is actually a poet and a writer at heart, chose to become an ophthalmologist, a doctor of the eyes. He has helped millions to see the world but little did he know that finding a guru would also help him to see the world with new eyes.

    ‘In our initial meetings, my guru told me that though the tragedy has happened but life has to go on. He told me to wait for time to heal me and in the meanwhile do my karma of looking after my parents and my son. He wasn’t one of those saffron clad gurus with ashrams. In fact, he was a householder. He never asked his followers for any money or any materialistic thing. In fact that is one mark of a true guru. He will never ask you for any money or anything materialistic. Every evening we would meet in his house in Jaipur. There were 10-15 of us who were regular attendees. He had a lot of followers in different countries too. We would start our sessions with a meditation. After that, there were discourses which were mostly about the questions that his disciples asked. In the end of the session, we would recite the Hanuman Chalisa.’

    The Valley of Flowers

    So, what made him write ‘Conversations on a Park Bench’ and ‘The Mountain Deer’?

    ‘I was associated with my guru for about ten to fifteen years. He had helped me to overcome my grief and see the world in a different way. Though he passed away in 2018, even when he was around, I always wondered why can’t there be a book with his teachings in it? When I sat down to write ‘Conversations on a Park Bench’, in 2012, I had initially thought of writing about a lady who is groped by her boss and experiences vishadh and wonders about the purpose of her entire existence. But then, I thought of taking my story and fictionalizing it.’

    How long did it take for him to write the two books? ‘I finished ‘Conversations on a Park Bench’ within a year. My friend Nihal was incredulous when I told him that I had written the book in a year. According to him, a book takes years of research and writing. However, I took four years to write my second book ‘The Mountain Deer’.

    But why didn’t he think of writing an autobiography? ‘I don’t believe that I am that important. I had read somewhere that the great author Khushwant Singh had once told Amrita Pritam that the story of her life was so inconsequential and tiny that it could be written on the back of a revenue stamp. I too am of the same opinion. Moreover, I believe when you write fiction, you have the liberty to create conflict to keep the narrative flowing. A personal story is quite boring because you just keep listing your achievements and failures.’

    So, are there some instances in the book where fiction meets real life? ‘Yes, in fact many. But there is one incident that I can never forget. In my book ‘Conversations on a Park Bench’, there is a chapter titled ‘Who Am I’ where the protagonist Vivek is going to a meeting with his colleague Prashant. He waits for him in the parking lot of the building where he sees the watchman sitting with his wife. Their small daughter (who is toddler) is playing nearby. Prashant comes down and they get into the car. Just then, Prashant’s phone rings and he starts reversing the car while talking on the phone. As he backs the car, they hear a thump sound. They get out of the car to find that the watchman’s small daughter has been crushed under the car. Vivek is shaken by the incident but he sees that his friend is so materialistic that he has no qualms about what he has done. He strikes a deal with the watchman and the doctor who was in charge of the case and wriggles out of the situation by paying both of them some money. When the watchman protests, he tells him that the child was a girl and had she lived he would have had to pay a lot of money for dowry and her marriage. So, this amount is good enough for him. Later he boosts to Vivek about how he used his ‘marketing skills’ to get out of the situation. Vivek feels revulsed and it is then that he questions himself about his life and who he really is. This chapter was based on a real incident. There was a man who brought the body of a small child to the hospital and I could see that the poor mother of the child sitting and crying helplessly. My friend got out of the situation by giving her a mere 30,000 rupees. Tears came into my eyes when I saw the plight of this couple and I was revulsed and repulsed by the whole thing. How can someone be so callous and cruel?’

    ‘There is another incident in the book that has been inspired from real life. In the book, after his wife Radhika’s death, Vivek’s father-in-law asks him to return the flat which was a wedding gift to the couple. Vivek feels bad but his guru advises him to become detached with such materialistic things and return the flat. This again happened with a friend of mine. When his wife died leaving behind his infant son, his in-laws took away the baby on the pretext that he will not be able to take care of the baby. They held the baby to ransom and demanded his wife’s provident fund money, jewellery, car etc. My friend was distraught and asked Guruji for advice. Guruji promptly asked him to return everything and get his son back.’

    In both his books, death has been the turning point in the story. Being a doctor, how does death affect him?
    ‘As a result of years of medical training, doctors develop a clinical detachment from death. Though in my speciality deaths are quite unheard of, yet I too have developed a detachment from death. This is not taught; it is just something that is passed on from seniors to juniors. But then, years of studying spirituality have also taught me that even when the body dies, there is something that remains alive. I remember an incident that I have also mentioned in my book where I had gone to meet a friend’s wife in the hospital. She had 80 percent burns as a result of a gas cylinder that had burst in her home. In such a scenario there are almost nil chances of survival and the doctors cannot do anything except give palliative pain killers to the patient. When I entered the room, she was lying in covered frame. She asked me who I was and when I said it was me, Pavan, she recognised me. It was then I realized that though the body had almost gone, there was something in her that was still recognizing and responding to me. She passed away after a couple of days.’

    From a bystander’s point of view, Dr. Shorey’s life has been quite a journey. So, doesn’t he feel lonely? ‘No, I don’t. I have my practice where I see my patients. My son who is 37 years old is married and we keep meeting every now and then. I spend a lot of time with my friend Nihal and his family. Apart from this, I regularly go on treks to the mountains. I have trekked to the Valley of Flowers, the Great Lakes of Kashmir and many other such places. When I am at home, I like to spend time gardening. I love to see my flowers grow and bloom. I like reading and listening to the works of Meena Kumari, Sahir Ludhianvi, Neeraj and many other famous poets. I love the bhajans of Mira Bai. But my all-time inspiration remains Robert Frost. I also keep writing new stories and poems. In fact, I have recently written a new poem that talks about my life at 60 something.’

    I am still a young 60 something

    I used to walk a kilometre in 10 minutes,
    Now I do it in fifteen.
    I get a little breathless, a little tired,
    But I am still fit like a teen.
    I am still a young 60 something.

    I get a muscle pull in my bums,
    Or a sharp pain in the back.
    Docs say it is aging,
    I say I am fit to lift a wheat sack.
    I am still a young 60 something.

    I get up from the bed,
    The whole world reels around me.
    My friends say cervical spondylosis,
    But I can easily bend over backwards for all to see.
    I am still a young 60 something.

    I get up twice at night to pee.
    My friends say it is prostate,
    I have too many fluids at night,
    Guys, you have this negative trait.
    I am still a young 60 something.

    I see a beautiful woman,
    My heart skips a beat.
    Where the mind goes, the body doesn’t follow,
    All fantasies take a retreat.
    I am an old 60 something.

    Please join us on the 15th of January, 4 p.m. for an exclusive interaction with Dr. Pavan Shorey where he will be talking about his books, trekking, life and much more at Sudharma, Chameliwala Market, Opposite GPO, MI Road, Jaipur.

    This article by Shailaza Singh appeared in Rashtradoot Newspaper’s Arbit Section on 15 January 2023.

  • Spoiling our boys

    I know of a lady in my locality who has a son and a daughter. Her son is younger to her daughter. When I had initially shifted to this place, I became friends with her.

    She is a mother obsessed about her son. Her daughter seems independent enough in her studies and general outlook but her son seems to be a typical spoilt brat. He is a rowdy fellow who loves picking fights and showing his might. He also loves attracting attention by any means. In the tution classes, he keeps chit chatting, playing truant to ensure that the teacher focuses on him. Earlier my daughter was friends (so called) with him. But he started abusing her and calling her names on different pretext. He started having issues when she used to say something or make a face or anything else. And after whatever he did, his ultimatum was ‘ don’t you dare tell my mother…or else’. Earlier I used to ferry him , my daughter and another girl to the coaching classes. But one day, I heard him saying that he hates my daughter but he was told by his mother to keep quiet because he was using us to go to the coaching classes.

    I told my daughter to stop talking to him because if a boy cannot respect a girl, he should be completely written off! Respect is basic!

    His mother on the other hand knows about the temper issues but prefers to solve it through prayer and meditation. She doesn’t believe that her son is at fault because she says his father also had the same issues and now he is okay. For her, the son is still a cute baby who cannot do anything wrong.

    I wonder what will happen when her son grows up? He gets into major brawls and fights in school. Maybe the mother doesn’t know or maybe she ignores it because her son can’t do anything wrong.

    Do you think this is right? Are we raising these kinds of boys who don’t know the basic meaning of the word respect? Are these the men who will get into domestic violence cases or murders or even worse. Isn’t it a mother’s duty to ensure that her son learns to respect women?

  • “Har Kissi Ko Mukamal Jahan Nahin Milta”

    Not all well-known women reject love out of a tragic past, some do it out of disillusionment. When Ismat Chughtai, the celebrated Urdu feminist author met the well-known actress Suraiya who was a darling of the masses of her time, she wrote the following words about Suraiya’s disenchantment with love. Suraiya simply did not believe in love because she had been mouthing those ‘love’ dialogues from her very childhood.

    Actress Suraiya

    Ismat Chugtai wrote “I first saw Suraiya at the gulposhi (adorning with flowers) ceremony of Mumtaz Ali’s eldest daughter. She sat demurely behind a bunch of girls and must’ve been around thirteen to fourteen years old. Wearing ordinary clothes and sporting a stretched braid, there was enough worry in her rather large eyes, the appropriate se of which she hadn’t learnt as yet. Had she not appeared so petrified, I wouldn’t have noticed her much-all the more because her mother Malika appeared to be the toast of the party and when compared with her, Suraiya looked like a mouse.


    Beloved of the universe

    Suraiya in a movie


    Shortly afterwards, Suraiya took a big leap and became a film star- one who sparkled so brightly that for a while even Nargis paled before her.
    She achieved heaps of fame and as someone said, she became the ‘mehooba-e-aalam’ (beloved of the universe). There was a time when her admirers could be found in every nook and corner, and no other heroine could ever attract such attention. She was still young when she was stuffed and padded and made to play the heroine opposite Saigal and Prithviraj. More than her acting skills, it was her magical voice that people found so endearing. Lata hadn’t become the phenomenon as yet, and it was Shamshad Begum’s voice that was heard the most. Suraiya and Noor Jehan were two actresses who sang their own songs, and soon they zoomed ahead of Uma Shashi and Kanan Bala in popularity. These two were also singing-stars and ruled the roost once, but over a period of time, the appeal of Kanan Bala’s voice was on the decline.
    Noor Jehan left for Pakistan after Partition and that effectively made Suraiya the only singing star in the country. There came a time when as many as five of her films would play in tandem at the theatres. She featured in all the posters one could see-she was omnipresent. It was almost dreadful.


    Love (un)struck
    Around the time Suraiya was in her prime, when producers and directors met up, her name would inevitably crop up after a few rounds of drinks. Alcohol along with zikr-e-Suraiya – to hear all that, it seemed as if much like alcohol, her body, and voice were also meant to mislead people. There was tremendous sex appeal in her flexible voice- upon hearing it , instead of soaring to the heavens, one’s emotions were rather drawn towards the soil. Possessing the power to completely take over the senses, it carried daawat-e-gunaah – an invitation to the path of sin.
    When a bunch of men sit down to drink, their talks rips women to shreds. Yet, the manner in which Suraiya is cut to smidgens is beyond compare. She might not have heard it in person but she would’ve certainly seen its reflection in all those gaping stares.
    That’s why she could never surrender to love unconditionally. She could never love anyone passionately enough to renounce all she had- her home, her mother and her maternal grandmother. Made to hear as well as mouth romantic dialogues since an early age, love started to appear as something ridiculously to her. For her, whilst the asinine act is valid on the screen – provided it could help the film to succeed – it was pointless to accommodate it in actual life.
    And how could it be possible to not fall for Suraiya? Nearly all her directors were captivated by her. So, it’s not hard to imagine the kind of regard that she must have felt for them and also how ludicrous the entire concept of love must’ve come across to her.
    It was routine for her to dress up as a bride, get married and then it was time to take the make-up off. No wonder life starts appearing like a grotesque piece of farce. It gets difficult to segregate reality from fiction and it results in shaking up one’s ability to take decisions.
    No, Suraiya doesn’t intend to get married – she dreads the very thought of it.

    Suraiya with Prithviraj Kapoor

    Suitors galore

    Although she didn’t name them, I could identify all her suitors, as they would often narrate their stories of heartbreak to me- I knew the silly lengths they could go to in their pursuit.
    “There was a gentleman who used to light candles at the shrine of Sai Baba,” she chuckled. I immediately knew whom was she talking about.
    “A hero would threaten to jump off the terrace.” The hero is alive and kicking and continues with his habit of leaping about, albeit in films.
    “Then there was this man who stationed himself outside my flat and after persisting for many days, eventually consumed poison. A fair bit of trouble later, the police took him away.

    Suraiya


    Money minting machine
    The tale of Suraiya is identical to that of any film star who is forced to turn into a money minting machine while still at a tender age. Stardom was instantly handed over to her on a platter and she didn’t have to slog it out to earn the success. Consequently, she never cared for the easy fame. Had she faced rejections and disappointments before making it big, perhaps she would’ve valued it more. Acclaim and prosperity were shoved down her throat and she forever longed to spew them out. Her prestige became the staircase to success for others, climbing which they amassed wealth amassed wealth and filled up their coffers. Piggybacking on her name and skills, people turned millionaires, while she, on the other hand didn’t give two hoots for the riches. Spending money requires time, and Suraiya barely had any time to even breathe. She was burdened with so many contracts that most of her days and nights were spent shooting. She would manage a quick nap somehow and then be back to the dreary film scenes, the same voices of “Lights on! Lights off!”, the unfamiliar heroes and besotted directors.


    Quitting for good
    “I have absolutely no regrets about quitting films. The entire process just got to me,” Suraiya’s voice had turned bitter. “I was sick of shooting all the time. For years I hankered for adequate sleep. I couldn’t even eat properly because I have a tendency to put on weight very quickly. I could only dream of getting to watch films or not shooting. It’s a terrible thing to say but I would be ecstatic when someone in the film industry passed away and the shooting was stopped. I would fervently pray that may someone die every day and the entire industry get ruined and destroyed. Tauba-tauba! I don’t know what had come over me. Now I can catch up on all the sleep that I can, I go out to shop and have a great time. Though they are few in number, I have some very dear friends. I eat all that I want to and love spending time at my bungalow in Lonavala.”
    “Do you still sing?”
    “Occasionally.”
    Maybe Suraiya still hasn’t been able to disconnect songs from films. She could never embrace acting as a part of her soul like Meena Kumari, whose singular interest in life is acting-for the love of which she came back from the jaws of death. Had Suraiya wanted, she could’ve come back to films too but then there is seldom a cure for fright.”
    -(Neend Ki Maati, published in Naqsh [Karachi]– November-December, 1973
    (Excerpts from “Yeh Un Dinon Ki Baat Hai” by Yasir Abbasi)

    –To be continued

    This article by Shailaza Singh was published in Rashtradoot Newspaper’s Arbit Section on 20 April 2022

  • “Meena-Maut Mubarak Ho!”

    They were successful, beautiful and had the world at their feet. Yet they lived lonely, sad lives and died even lonelier deaths. Is it that when a woman gets fame, wealth and power, she also gets the curse of loneliness and bad relationships? Why can’t a woman have it all? Why did Nargis Dutt congratulate Meena Kumari on her death in a letter that was published in an Urdu magazine called Shama and collated in a book titled “Yeh Un Dinon Ki Baat Hai” by Yasir Abbasi?

    Nargis wrote”
    “-Happy Birthday
    -Wishes for your wedding
    -Happy Diwali
    -Eid Mubarak

    I have often offered as well as received these wishes on numerous occasions.
    But…
    “Congratulations on your death”
    I have neither heard or said this earlier.
    Meena, today your baaji (elder sister) congratulates you on your death and asks you to never step into this world again. This place is not meant for people like you.

    Meena Kumari


    I gave Madhubala her last bath; the hands that placed the shroud on her were mine. I was holding his hand when filmmaker S.U. Sunny breathed his last. I have seen many people- from the film world and otherwise-pass away before my eyes, but no instance can match the profound effect that Meena Kumari’s death had on me. I was intensely moved despite the fact that I wasn’t present with her during her last moments-neither did I give her the customary final bath, nor did I put the shroud on her body-and I couldn’t see her depart on her final journey. I was in Jammu on the day that Meen Kumari died. Somehow, I was restless since I woke up that day and bad thoughts kept crossing my mind. It seemed as if something terrible was about to happen, and indeed it did-a tragedy so huge that I will never be able to forget.


    After arriving in Bombay, I went to the graveyard where she was buried. I cried more at her grave than I did at the death of my mother. I could gain composure only when my ears could almost hear Meena ask me to stop crying.
    One day I received a call from my husband who was away in Madras shooting for Main Chup Rahungi . Since it was going to be a long schedule, he asked me to come over with the kids. I reached Madras with Sanjay, who was two and a half years old then, and Namrata who was barely two months old. We stayed at Hotel Oceanic and Meena’s room was close to ours. Accompanying Meena was her sister Madhu and Baqar Ali. We met for the second time here. She greeted me as soon as she saw me and said, “I have great regard for you and I hope you won’t mind if I call you ‘baaji’. An instant friendship developed between us.
    Once, Dutt sahib wanted to go out for Chinese food and an invitation was extended to Meena too but she said that she was tired after the day’s work and had already eaten early. She also offered to take care of the kids while we were away.
    When we returned at 11 o’ clock, the kids’ nanny informed us that both the children were still with her. Entering her room quietly, I saw both of them asleep on either side of Meena, who has gently placed a hand each on Sanjay and Namrata. The nanny told us that Meena had duly tended to all the duties-from taking Sanjay to the toilet to changing Namrata’s nappies and from preparing their feeding bottles to singing them loris, she did it all on her own.
    I could see the glow and contentment on her face. I felt that it was indeed a misfortune that though she was a woman and also a wife, she wasn’t a mother yet, and how complete her life would be once she’d become a mother.
    I couldn’t meet her the next day. We didn’t meet for several days after that but one night I saw her walking in the garden of the hotel. She was panting and when I asked her the reason, she said, “Baaji, I eat tobacco and sometimes that results in palpitations.”
    “Meena, this is not due to tobacco,” I told her. “You look very tired. Why don’t you rest for a while?”
    “Baaji, resting is not in my destiny. I will rest just one time.” Her eyes turned to the ground as she said that.
    I asked her, “Meena, don’t you want to be a mother? Don’t you feel like having kids?”
    She replied, “There is no woman who doesn’t want to be a mother.” Her eyes welled up- the tears perhaps conveyed the story of her life.
    That night there was some noise in Meena’s room- sounds suggestive of violence. Next day we came to know that she wasn’t feeling well and would not report for work.
    I caught hold of Kamal saheb’s secretary Baqar and spoke to him in direct terms, “Why do you want to kill Meena? She has worked enough for your sake. I know how an actress feels and how mentally exhausting things can get. For how long is she going to feed you?”
    Baqar saheb replied, “Baby, why don’t you understand? When the right time comes, we will rest her.”

    Kamal Amrohi and Meena Kumari


    After that I saw Meena hiding herself to cry. Just a look at her eyes and one could sense that the tears would roll out any moment, but she never let that happen. I said to her, “I can understand your pain. You have to be brave and crying like this is of no use. You’re like a younger sister to me and henceforth I’ll call you ‘Manju’.”
    We couldn’t meet for a long time once were back in Bombay, though one kept hearing stories about her. One day, I heard that she had walked out of Kamal saheb’s home and had started living in Mehmood’s house. Meena had a showdown with Baqar on the sets of Pinjre ke Panchhi and matters got so turbulent that she did not step into Kamal Saheb’s house again. I never broached this subject with her.

    Kamal Amrohi with Meena Kumari


    Soon enough, the excessive consumption of alcohol had weakened her liver and she was down with jaundice. When I visited her at Saint Elizabeth Nursing Home, I was careful that I didn’t mention anything that could embarrass her or hurt her. Referring to the yellow tinge on her skin, I said, “This shade of yellow is so pretty. Manju, you are free but of what use is such freedom when you are bent upon killing yourself?”
    She replied, “Baaji, my patience has a limit. How dare Kamal saheb’s secretary raise his hand on me? When I got the incident communicated to Kamal saheb, I thought he’d come running and immediately fire Baqar, but he said, ‘Come home and I will decide things here.’ What was there for him to decide? Now it’s me who has decided to not go back to him.”

    Dharmendra and Meena Kumari


    Then, a new person entered Meena’s life- Dharmendra. She was so happy- it was almost as if she had got hold of the entire wealth of the world. This was the most beautiful phase of her life and made her feel thoroughly blessed. However, the good times are short-lived as a misunderstanding resulted in the two of them drifting apart. Dharmendra walked out of her life and left her heart-broken. Shen couldn’t cope up with the loss and hit the bottle.
    She would say, “Baaji, solitude is my destiny. I do not pity myself and neither should you.”
    Slowly, Meena started to inch towards death. I couldn’t bear to see her like this and advised her to forget the past and begin her life afresh.
    I got a call from Meena on 3rd February -the day of the premiere of Pakeezah.
    “Baaji, the film that you got me to work on is being premiered today. You have to come.”
    When I reached there, she stood up and embraced me. I had to leave after the interval because my husband was down with fever that day. I promised Meena that I would tell her my opinion on the film once I saw it in its entirety. I don’t know if that will ever happen- I haven’t been able to gather courage to watch that film since. I can’t even bear to listen to the songs of Pakeezah on the radio now, how can I pull my self together to view the film?
    How Meena resumed work on Pakeezah is a story in itself. Kamal saheb wished to have Dutt saheb in the film and wanted to sign some other actress for Meena’s role. Dutt saheb mentioned to me if Pakeezah was made without her, the film would lose its allure. I met Meena and told her, “Manju, if this film remains incomplete then it will be a great calamity. Tired of waiting for you to come back, Kamal saheb has now started looking for another actress. If you agree, I can talk to him and facilitate your return.” She just said, “I’ll do as you say.”
    I couldn’t go to her during the next few days. Then, I left for Delhi and to Pathankot and Jammu from there. Before leaving, I passed on a message informing her about my travel and that I’d meet her after I come back on 1st April. She asked her sister Madhu to tell me that she wouldn’t be around when I return. Madhu did not convey that to me. Had she done so, I would’ve never left Meena.
    Not too long before we last met, there was a preview of her film Gomti ke Kinare at the mini-theatre in our house. The story of the film was the story of Meena’s life as well. Though she bore pain and hurt herself for others, no one could realize her worth. Left with no one who could lover her back or who she could call her own, she lost the will to live. A woman doesn’t need a friend-she yearns for a family. There was a void in her life that never got filled. No one really cared for her-all were like indifferent strangers. She wandered around looking for a drop of love but her thirst for it remained unquenched. She writhed in torment, lived a lonely life and eventually died a lonely death.”

    Nargis and Meena Kumari


    -(Meena -Maut Mubarak Ho!,published in Shama- June 1972)
    (Excerpts from “Yeh Un Dinon Ki Baat Hai” by Yasir Abbasi)

    To be continued…

    This article by Shailaza Singh was published in Rashtradoot Newspaper’s Arbit Section on 19 April 2022

  • As a woman, why am I only asked to understand and adjust?

    Recently I saw a video where a woman was talking about how the value of a woman is perceived by how much she gives in her various relationships. People consider her a good woman if she is a good daughter or mother or sister or wife. There is no value attached to her relationship with her own self. If she places a premium on her life, her time or her ambitions, she is termed as selfish or self centred or self obsessed.

    My brother came to visit us. My brother is a single guy who lives alone with his pet dogs. For him, the world is all about I, me, myself. It is his dogs, his life, his time, his pain. When he came to my house with his three dogs, he asked my daughter to take care of them while he relaxed around or. His dogs have a habit of pooping every now and then and it was my daughter’s job to clean the poop up.

    For sometime, she did it but then she grew tired of it and refused. When my brother complained to my mother,my mom rang me up and said that I am not giving the right values to my child. I told her that my daughter was tired of picking up the poop but she insisted that my daughter should not be so ‘selfish’ and take care of her uncle’s dogs. When I protested, she warned me about the consequences of raising a selfish child and how she would not take care of me when I grow older. Interestingly when I go to my brother’s house, there too I am supposed to take care of everything…no reprieve. If I protest, my mother resorts to emotional blackmail. If I express my angst or displeasure in doing something, my family starts saying that I am not grateful for whatever they have done for me. For women love is all about a favour that people bestow on them..but for men love is their right no matter who they are?

    Why is it that as a woman I am supposed to give in everytime? I am supposed to understand but not be understood? I am supposed to stand up for everyone but no one to stand up for me and if I stand up for myself then I am reminded of all the ‘favours’ that people have done for me and how I am such an ungrateful person? No one remembers the times I stood up for them or the things that I did for them? I am told to be quiet but they can speak?

    #relationships #toxicrelationships #women

  • The “Hookup” Song

    The article titled “Tinder and the Dawn of Dating Apocalypse” by Nancy Jo Sales which was published in the well known magazine Vanity Fair some years ago had sparked a social media war between Tinder and Vanity Fair. It talked about how Tinder and other such apps have inspired a new mindset where casual physical intimacy has become more important than romance, relationships and ‘happily ever afters’.

    (Italicized paragraphs are direct quotes from the article)

    ‘It’s a balmy night in Manhattan’s financial district, and at a sports bar called Stout, everyone is Tindering. The tables are filled with young women and men who’ve been chasing money and deals on Wall Street all day, and now they’re out looking for hookups.”
    I recently read this paragraph in an article titled ‘Tinder and the Dawn of Dating Apocalypse’ . Had I read this article some years back, I would have wondered about the meaning of the word ‘hookup’. However, now I know it means casual sexual encounters or even beginning of a relationship. The interesting bit is that when this article was published some years back, the people at Tinder, the well known dating platform had taken offense to it and had blasted Vanity Fair. In turn, Tinder was attacked by netizens, which resulted in such a backlash that Tinder’s CEO Chris Payne was replaced within 24 hours after the company’s official account went on tweeting spree against Nancy Joe Payne, the journalist who wrote the article.
    The article is quite interesting because it talks about the new age mindset of men and even women when it comes to dating.


    “Guys view everything as a competition,” he elaborates with his deep, reassuring voice. “Who’s slept with the best, hottest girls?” With these dating apps, he says, “you’re always sort of prowling. You could talk to two or three girls at a bar and pick the best one, or you can swipe a couple hundred people a day—the sample size is so much larger. It’s setting up two or three Tinder dates a week and, chances are, sleeping with all of them, so you could rack up 100 girls you’ve slept with in a year.”


    Tinderella Replaces Cinderella
    Gone are the days when life was as simple as Cinderella waiting for her Prince Charming. Today’s modern Casanovas don’t want to do the happily ever after. Infact, not even close. All they want is a ‘Tinderella’- someone they can bed and forget.


    “He says that he himself has slept with five different women he met on Tinder—“Tinderellas,” the guys call them—in the last eight days. Dan and Marty, also Alex’s roommates in a shiny high-rise apartment building near Wall Street, can vouch for that. In fact, they can remember whom Alex has slept with in the past week more readily than he can.”


    The death of romance


    If you look at the Indian scenario, most old time movies or even the new age ones, have some semblance of romance even if the guy is ultimately trying to entice the girl into physical intimacy. Time was spent in befriending or courting the girl. However, as the author says Tinder and other such apps have changed the dynamics, at least in the western world. To some, this game would appear more sinister than ever.


    “And yet a lack of an intimate knowledge of his potential sex partners never presents him with an obstacle to physical intimacy, Alex says. Alex, his friends agree, is a Tinder King, a young man of such deft “text game”—“That’s the ability to actually convince someone to do something over text,” Marty explains—that he is able to entice young women into his bed on the basis of a few text exchanges, while letting them know up front he is not interested in having a relationship.”
    But Marty, who prefers Hinge to Tinder (“Hinge is my thing”), is no slouch at “racking up girls.” He says he’s slept with 30 to 40 women in the last year: “I sort of play that I could be a boyfriend kind of guy,” in order to win them over, “but then they start wanting me to care more … and I just don’t.”
    “Dude, that’s not cool,” Alex chides in his warm way. “I always make a point of disclosing I’m not looking for anything serious. I just wanna hang out, be friends, see what happens … If I were ever in a court of law I could point to the transcript.” But something about the whole scenario seems to bother him, despite all his mild-mannered bravado. “I think to an extent it is, like, sinister,” he says, “ ‘cause I know that the average girl will think that there’s a chance that she can turn the tables. If I were like, Hey, I just wanna bone, very few people would want to meet up with you …


    A Changed Dating Game


    Does that mean that men can no longer be trusted when they show that they are interested in you or even when they utter those three magical words? Does this mean that romance as we know it is over and has simply become a convenient ploy to get cosy with a woman? What is the reason for this change?


    “I call it the Dating Apocalypse,” says a woman in New York, aged 29.
    As the polar ice caps melt and the earth churns through the Sixth Extinction, another unprecedented phenomenon is taking place, in the realm of sex. Hookup culture, which has been percolating for about a hundred years, has collided with dating apps, which have acted like a wayward meteor on the now dinosaur-like rituals of courtship. “We are in uncharted territory” when it comes to Tinder et al., says Justin Garcia, a research scientist at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction. “There have been two major transitions” in heterosexual mating “in the last four million years,” he says. “The first was around 10,000 to 15,000 years ago, in the agricultural revolution, when we became less migratory and more settled,” leading to the establishment of marriage as a cultural contract. “And the second major transition is with the rise of the Internet.”
    People used to meet their partners through proximity, through family and friends, but now Internet meeting is surpassing every other form. “It’s changing so much about the way we act both romantically and sexually,” Garcia says. “It is unprecedented from an evolutionary standpoint.” As soon as people could go online they were using it as a way to find partners to date and have sex with. In the 90s it was Craigslist and AOL chat rooms, then Match.com and Kiss.com. But the lengthy, heartfelt e-mails exchanged by the main characters in You’ve Got Mail (1998) seem positively Victorian in comparison to the messages sent on the average dating app today.”


    Pressing the right button
    Indeed, internet has changed a lot of things in our world, including relationships. However, with the advent of mobile phones, getting someone by pressing a button has become all the more easy.


    “Mobile dating went mainstream about five years ago; by 2012 it was overtaking online dating. In February, one study reported there were nearly 100 million people—perhaps 50 million on Tinder alone—using their phones as a sort of all-day, every-day, handheld singles club, where they might find a sex partner as easily as they’d find a cheap flight to Florida. “It’s like ordering Seamless,” says Dan, the investment banker, referring to the online food-delivery service. “But you’re ordering a person.”


    Options Galore
    Food delivery apps and dating apps have one thing in common. Depending on your preferences, there are plenty to choose from and there is no dearth of options when it comes to the menu.


    “The comparison to online shopping seems an apt one. Dating apps are the free-market economy come to sex. The innovation of Tinder was the swipe—the flick of a finger on a picture, no more elaborate profiles necessary and no more fear of rejection; users only know whether they’ve been approved, never when they’ve been discarded. OkCupid soon adopted the function. Hinge, which allows for more information about a match’s circle of friends through Facebook, and Happn, which enables G.P.S. tracking to show whether matches have recently “crossed paths,” use it too. It’s telling that swiping has been jocularly incorporated into advertisements for various products, a nod to the notion that, online, the act of choosing consumer brands and sex partners has become interchangeable.”


    Instant Gratification
    When Maggi, was first advertised as instant noodles which cooked be cooked in ‘two minutes’, not many realized that the claim was simply a marketing gimmick. Cooking Maggi was more than a two minute job, sometimes, even ten minutes depending on the recipe. But Maggi could satisfy your hunger more quickly as compared to the painstaking ‘sabzi and roti’ which took time, effort and expertise, which is why it became more popular. The dating apps seem to be following a similar path.


    “It’s instant gratification,” says Jason, 26, a Brooklyn photographer, “and a validation of your own attractiveness by just, like, swiping your thumb on an app. You see some pretty girl and you swipe and it’s, like, oh, she thinks you’re attractive too, so it’s really addicting, and you just find yourself mindlessly doing it.” “Sex has become so easy,” says John, 26, a marketing executive in New York. “I can go on my phone right now and no doubt I can find someone I can have sex with this evening, probably before midnight.”


    …To be continued

    The Hook up song

    This article by Shailaza Singh appeared in Rashtradoot’s Arbit section on Sunday, 5 September 2021

  • The Space for The New Hires

    I have worked in different roles in different points of my work life.

    As a manager or the head of a department, I have often felt that the new hires, no matter whatever their level be – entry level to CEO, should be given an incubation period to understand the company culture and its people before they are released into the mainstream.

    By this I mean that the initial 180 days should be kept as a window of observation for both new hires and their reporting managers.

    During this time, work should be the priority because every new hire brings with him a degree of newness and the possiblity of innovation for the company.

    If the new hire is immediately released into the mainstream of the employees, he or she is bound to get influenced by gossip, office politics and other such problems which are often caused or created by the old employees of the company who do not like to work or lose their job.

    Hence, the new hire is unable to innovate and is sucked into mediocrity which does not allow the company to reap the benfits of hiring fresh talent.

    Probably, the ideal way to do this is to give each new hire a new project and give them enough leeway to innovate and put in new ideas to develop a sense of trust and belonging between the new hire and his manager.

    After 180 days, the hire should be officially introduced to the rest of the staff and allowed to present their project.

    This will help them to not only build their credibility amongst the other employees but also give them a sense of ownership and belonging to the company.

    This may also foster healthy competition amongst the old and new employees because the latter would then realize that it is impossible to play politics with someone who is already known and recognized for his or abilities and has developed a relationship of trust with the management.

  • Natural Cost Cutting’s the Future

    In the post pandemic world, the internet has become the new place to be. Today, every one from the fashion world whether a hot shot designer or newbies who are just testing their wings can be found online. Shailaza Singh explores the fashion net!

    The net leveller of fashion

    Sunil Sethi opines that the online trend has been a game changer for many. “Earlier people from Delhi were used to making a trip to Delhi and checking out new trends in fashion in those markets. However, now people are used to buying from the comfort of their homes. So, naturally the retail market will suffer. The designers who have been investing in opening shops and stores, especially single operators who only work on flagship stores may not be able to continue with paying high rents on their store. So, some churning is bound to take place as far as the Indian fashion designers are concerned. International markets have opened up at a much faster pace than domestic, so those who are into export markets might get some reprieve because of the business coming from that end.”

    Pallavi Jaipur says, “The online world has helped in defining a new channel of buying and selling which is now here to stay. It has definitely increased the reach of the products.”

    Rajesh Pratap thinks that now there are a lot of people who are ordering expensive items online. “Earlier, people didn’t have the confidence to buy a suit or a lehenga online because they had to try it on and get the fitting done. However, now people are ordering even expensive clothes. Brands have made it so convenient that people will come to your house and you can try it out to see if fits. Returns are becoming easier. So, online buying is gaining more credibility. You know you can get the fitting done and return it if it does not work. So digital fashion, distance selling is a reality. This is what has changed already. And this is a case everywhere. Now people have realized the futility of renting out expensive places, paying their employees huge conveyance allowances. They have understood zoom meetings are faster, easier and cheaper. Likewise, even in high fashion, things will change with time. But what those changes are, we will get to know with time.”

    Raghavendra Rathore says that the migration of the fashion world to the online space has helped a lot of young blood to the market, which is bound to notch up the competition as a result of the pandemic. “You will see a lot of young designers suddenly muscling their way into the mainframe of Indian fashion because they now can create one product and don’t have to create a collection or have an army of tailors. Today, in the fashion business, you just need one prototype, a decent photographer and a decent website. So, whole migration to online is going to challenge the industry but at the same time provide opening for younger brands who didn’t have visibility or get into fashion week or capture the mindshare of the larger public except for partnering with Bollywood or other such biggies earlier. In a way, the field has become more level. Now the bigger brands will now be seen sitting next to a younger brand on a website. So, you don’t have to have big pockets to get into fashion.  There is blood bath ahead of us in terms of price point and quality (what you see, buy and eventually get).”

    However, he also feels there will be a churning of sorts when it comes to the fashion business selling its wares online. The consumers might also learn a few lessons. “On the flip side, the treachery of how people market and package their products will increase. There is bound to be a lot of instances of disappointment where an item costing 2500 rupees may not really look like a 2500 rupees item. We are not used to looking at products at that price point. Earlier people were used to buying 15000 rupees worth of product after they could touch and feel it. Now when people will buy a similar looking item for a lesser amount online. When they receive it and touch it, they may say, ‘Oh my God, this is polyester!’  There is going to be a great setback or mismatch in terms of expectations which will again course correct in a few months and people will arrive at somewhat a midpoint. All that is going to be a huge challenge because people would want to buy more for the same amount of money rather than quality because right now because there is hardly any opportunity to showcase the quality products considering the current paying ability of most people.”

    It is indeed true that most people of the fashion world have been forced to move online due to the pandemic. In fact, the American fashion retailer Gap has closed all 81 stores in UK and Ireland to move to the online space.

    Accessorize this!

    Speaking of fashion, where do the accessories feature in this post pandemic world? Have they been dropped like hot cakes or are they still hot?

    Sunil Sethi believes that people will be more devoted to practicality rather than fashion. “People now realize that there are some day-to-day things that they would need all the time. So, carrying sanitizers, extra masks, gloves are going to be a norm. Most men too will look for some sort of a man bag which will help them to carry all these things along with their gadgets like iPads with them where ever they go.”

    So, what about footwear? He says, “These days women are out of practice with their heels. So, obviously, dress shoes and heels are less in demand. Hence, office wear will include more flats than heels. These days, I see more and more people going in for sneakers or breathable shoes. People no longer look down on what is called activewear in footwear. As a matter of fact, this kind of getting more prominence and acceptance.”

    Raghavendra Rathore believes that there will be a lot of accessories when it is about handmade or sustainable products as a result of lesser number of artisans available for work. “Most people will focus on creating a lot of handmade accessories like earrings or masks.”

    Neeta Mohapatra agrees. “These days more and more people are purchasing accessories from small firms and NGOs, which is a good trend to have emerged during the pandemic.”

    Swati Vijaivargie says believes matching masks are the new accessories while shoes and bags are passe. “People are looking at matching masks and scarves.” Ashima Parnami disagrees, “I cannot sacrifice fashion for safety. Fashion or no fashion, I prefer wearing my N95.”

    Loyal Core

    Earlier, the fashion aficionados swore by their favourite brands. Saying something about their beloved brands or designers had the potential to spark a passionate debate or even a full fledged war. Has the new world order impacted the brand loyalty?

    Raghavendra Rathore feels that brand loyalty may vanish temporarily especially in the ongoing pandemic. “The consumer on the other side is becoming more discerning and the loyalties they had to brands are going to dissipate at least for the next few months or maybe for a year. Until it is gifting or impressing somebody, having a brand of prestige is going to take second priority. So, if the inflow of salary is stagnant, logically people are going to move to brands which are suddenly popping up and are equally producing qualitative products. So, as far as the consumer is concerned, loyalty will disappear, though the consumer will go and soak in the trends in the brands but they will buy replication elsewhere.” However, he believes that this might be a phenomenon reserved only for products with a short shelf life and will probably inspire new changes too. “The products that have a life cycle of more than two seasons or year and a half, I don’t think there is going to much erosion from their story boards and they will probably have customer loyalty because it is a long-term investment. People will start spending less on what is perishable or will wash away or tear in six months, because they want to wear something in the personal space and maybe save the big purchase for a later time. Many companies have probably understood this trend. For example, iPhone has launched new and less expensive versions of their products. Although the process would have started some years ago but this becomes an opportunity for them to launch six models which are comparatively low priced. You will see this happening across all industries. People have already been working on this front and what can be remoulded has been remoulded and has already been launched or will be launched in the coming months.”

    -Concluded

    This article by Shailaza Singh appeared in Rashtradoot Newspaper’s Arbit Section on 16 July 2021

  • A Sea Change in ‘Attitude’

    If there is one thing that has really undergone a big change in this pandemic – it is the style and perhaps even the size of the weddings. From a time where people used to invite almost ‘every Tom, Dick and Harry’ to showcase the achievement of their lifetime, weddings have now become an intimate, family-only affairs with classy dresses. Shailaza Singh delves into this aspect of pandemic fashion with some interesting results.


    Intimate weddings- More Classy than Massy!


    “India has always been a land of occasions, weddings and festivities,” says Pallavi Jaipur. “Weddings have now become more intimate and classier. Now the brides and grooms are investing in clothes which are classy and timeless and can be reused in multiple ways rather than just the trend of the current season.”


    Sunil Sethi says that he has observed a new trend that has emerged in this pandemic. “The budgets may have gone down for the ready-to-wear segment, when it comes to couture, people are looking for even finer clothing. In the first phase of the pandemic, the budgets went down. For example, someone who could afford a lehenga worth five lakh rupees originally was happy in something which was about half the price because the weddings were more intimate and the rest of the people (except for the bride who I agree had to be dressed in her Sunday best) weren’t spending much even if they were one of the fifty invited for the wedding. However, the bride, bridegroom and their parents continue to buy the finest clothes from the Indian designers. No wedding is complete without some body buying designer wear for the ceremonies. Interestingly, these days, people in the high-net-worth category have upped their budget, which means that they are going for finer pieces as they have plenty of time to plan. Most weddings have now been postponed for a longer period which is going to be probably November or January. Naturally so they are being pickier. FDCI will also be doing a couture week in August so that people can pick and choose from the new collections.”


    Raghavendra Rathore, believes that now weddings are becoming a classier and more elegant affair with the designer wear following suit. “Till the time we really get out of this pandemic created mess, weddings I believe will be more intimate and elegant. Naturally, the buyers will gravitate towards more personalized, classic and sophisticated designs which will allow them to recycle their wedding outfits for other occasions in the days to come.”


    Rajesh Pratap believes that there are two kinds of consumers. “Some people have learnt from the past and are now organizing quieter weddings and keeping a low profile. However, there are those who have not learnt their lessons and are still splurging and hosting crazy weddings. In a way, this is all a bipolar reaction from the consumers.”


    Twirling Sarees
    Interestingly, saree seems to have become the ultimate ‘rediscovery of the pandemic’. Many people have gone treasure hunting in their own wardrobes to return with long forgotten sarees and tons of creativity. Neeta Mohapatra explains, “the evolution of the saree is what I call creativity at its best. People are now wearing it as Roman robes at home while some are making comfy skirts out of it!”
    Ashima Parnami seconds the thought. “Saree has always been in vogue regardless of the times. The very versatility of saree, especially the chiffons and cottons has made people experiment with it amidst this pandemic!”

    Deep Wardrobe Diving
    Speaking of recycling, the other day, I was having a video chat with my friend Smitha who is somewhat of a fashionista and lives in Mumbai. She was wearing a white kurta with a scarf and the whole effect was quite classy. I complimented her on her style and asked her if this was a new addition to her wardrobe. She smiled and said, “This kurta is quite old. When I was looking at sorting out my clothes this pandemic, I discovered a lot of pieces that I can really wear well with accessories.”


    Neeta Mohapatra believes that recycling has become the new trend in vogue where people can not only look good in their old clothes but save money! “Recycling of old clothes is a big trend. For example, styling a plus size kurta with a belt and shoes can actually be a statement because it can be made to look like a shirt dress or a kaftan.”
    Sunil Sethi agrees. “People have rediscovered their wardrobe as in they have so many clothes that they haven’t worn for a number of years. They have been able to reassess their wardrobe, understand the new things that they need to buy if at all or have enough in their own wardrobe that they should be wearing. People are only buying what is absolutely necessary for them.”


    Rohit Kamra has also observed the change when it comes to people shopping for new clothes. “There has been a paradigm shift in the buying patterns. People have now developed a sudden interest in their wardrobes. Come to think of it, most of us have decent wardrobes. We mostly buy not because we need the clothes but because the buying feeds our psyche in a way. Nevertheless, we have seen cases of revenge buying, especially in countries like Europe and America where the pandemic no longer seems to be a threat as a result of the mass vaccinations.”


    Revenge Rages


    Neeta Mohapatra is of the opinion that there are different categories of people when it comes to shopping for new clothes. “Some people are shopping online, left right and centre even during the pandemic. In fact, the online purchasing has grown by 51% since the last year especially in India according to an Economic Times report. Women are hoarding jewellery and clothes. Now people want to live for today since no one knows what is going to happen tomorrow. Even I have been shopping to my heart’s content. I have a baby girl and I love shopping for her too. Some people don’t shop because they say they have nowhere to go and hence no need to shop for anything fancy.”


    Rajesh Pratap says that the phenomenon needs to be observed for some time before we can actually term it as revenge buying. “There are people buying clothes and accessories. However, I can’t say whether this revenge buying is here to stay or not. We would need to wait and observe before we can think about judging these trends. Accessories have taken a big hit because there are no lunches or cocktails to go to so why would you buy that crazy bag? However, will you not buy it ever in your life? I can’t say! Gifting is still happening but not that much.”


    Ashima Parnami can hardly wait to shop offline! “I have been dying to shop and have visited many stores as the lockdown has been lifted. For me, I am not a very online person when it comes to clothes. I need to touch and feel the fabric before I can think about buying it. I can buy bags online but clothes are definitely best bought offline!”


    Sunil Sethi feels otherwise. “These days, there is a lot of talk about revenge buying. Many people have been saying that those who have lacked a certain thing now have no qualms about purchasing it whether it is cosmetics or affordable products or entertainment. Personally, I don’t believe in this revenge buying phenomenon because I feel that as a result of the pandemic, now most people have been able to gain an understanding about what they have and what they need. Now, I don’t think we will see the trend of shop till you drop anytime soon. I guess we will see revenge buying in people buying the best insurance policies or the most profitable returns in investments or new ventures in the equity market. The revenge buying may happen in people planning a second home somewhere in a place where life will be safer for them if an event like this ever happens again. That is where I see a lot of money going. People will be happy to get rid of acquisitions, assets, properties that they no longer need in their lives and concentrate on the present.

    This article was published in Rashtradoot’s Arbit section on 15 July 2021.