Are you being abused in your relationship and dont know it?In the world of dating and relationships abuse can also happen at a very subtle level. There is no screaming, no shouting, no beating, yet one person is being abused in the relationship by the other person in the relationship. Here journalist Shailaza Singh discusses various forms of abuse with psychotherapist Jyotika Kapur https://anchor.fm/mattersoftheheart01/episodes/The-dating-game-part-2-e2assm2
Tag: relationships
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Matters of the heart New Episode
MATTERS OF THE HEART How does one trust after being betrayed in love once or twice? How does a relationship develop trust? Watch journalist Shailaza Singh discussing trust in dating with Jyotika Kapur, a psychotherapist. To listen visit https://spotify.link/Ub6RKUnS0Db
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Dimag ka Doctor
Check out our podcast, Matters of the heart by Shailaza and Jyotika , on Spotify for Podcasters:
https://anchor.fm/matters-of-the-heart36
Hello friends…
We ( a psychotherapist friend and I) have just started a podcast on mental health because we think that is the need of the hour). Please do listen to it (it is the need of the hour) and let us know how you like it. This will be a regular weekly feature….
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The virtues of selfishness
In our culture, great importance is given to family, to sacrificing and to keeping yourself last. People revere those who sacrifice and ultimately those who sacrifice get a raw deal.
Today a friend of mine happened to mention a common friend who is quite a selfish guy. He doesn’t think about anyone and keeps demanding this and that from his parents. Though his parents cribbed and constantly complained about his selfishness, they eventually gave in to every demand. His sister on the other hand was constantly thinking about her parents and him. She cared for them first and thought about herself the last. Ultimately, her parents too didn’t think about her. My friend said that it is true that if we think about ourselves, only then do people think about us. No one thinks about people who don’t think about themselves.
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As a woman, why am I only asked to understand and adjust?
Recently I saw a video where a woman was talking about how the value of a woman is perceived by how much she gives in her various relationships. People consider her a good woman if she is a good daughter or mother or sister or wife. There is no value attached to her relationship with her own self. If she places a premium on her life, her time or her ambitions, she is termed as selfish or self centred or self obsessed.
My brother came to visit us. My brother is a single guy who lives alone with his pet dogs. For him, the world is all about I, me, myself. It is his dogs, his life, his time, his pain. When he came to my house with his three dogs, he asked my daughter to take care of them while he relaxed around or. His dogs have a habit of pooping every now and then and it was my daughter’s job to clean the poop up.
For sometime, she did it but then she grew tired of it and refused. When my brother complained to my mother,my mom rang me up and said that I am not giving the right values to my child. I told her that my daughter was tired of picking up the poop but she insisted that my daughter should not be so ‘selfish’ and take care of her uncle’s dogs. When I protested, she warned me about the consequences of raising a selfish child and how she would not take care of me when I grow older. Interestingly when I go to my brother’s house, there too I am supposed to take care of everything…no reprieve. If I protest, my mother resorts to emotional blackmail. If I express my angst or displeasure in doing something, my family starts saying that I am not grateful for whatever they have done for me. For women love is all about a favour that people bestow on them..but for men love is their right no matter who they are?
Why is it that as a woman I am supposed to give in everytime? I am supposed to understand but not be understood? I am supposed to stand up for everyone but no one to stand up for me and if I stand up for myself then I am reminded of all the ‘favours’ that people have done for me and how I am such an ungrateful person? No one remembers the times I stood up for them or the things that I did for them? I am told to be quiet but they can speak?
#relationships #toxicrelationships #women
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We love devoted husbands and doting fathers but isn’t that how most men usually should be?
Matthew McConaughey with his family I recently read an article about the actor Matthew McConaughey and what a devoted father and husband he is.
I, for one cannot understand something. Why do we celebrate or praise men for their devotion and ga ga over them? Or is it that we are always suprised when we see a celebrity being devoted to his relationships instead of being self obsessed?
Why do men marry or have kids if they don’t want to be committed or devoted to their family?
On the other hand, a devoted woman seems to be a default piece in the universe! We don’t praise women for their ability to handle everything with ease. We take it for granted that they will do everything without making a big deal about it. If they fail to do it, we raise eyebrows.
I remember having a discussion with a newly married friend. He said, ‘If I start listening to my wife all the time, my friends and my mother will call me ‘joru ka gulam’. I cannot show that I love my wife and children and really care for them.’
I don’t know about the other countries but in India, this is a prevalent thought. Men will do anything for their girlfriends, they will be utterly devoted lovers but the moment the girlfriends become wives, their entire stance will change- so much so that they will not even help their wives in any chore or anything lest some one ridicules them for being so devoted.
I couldn’t help but devote some lines to this phenomenon-
शादी से पहले
डार्लिंग,
मैं तुम्हारे लिए कुछ भी कर जाऊँगा,
पहाड़ पे चढ़ जाऊँगा,
तुम मेरी हो जाओ, वर्ना मर जाऊँगा.
तुम्हारा हर दर्द मेरी ज़िम्मेदारी है,
तेरे बगैर बेकार ये दुनिया सारी है.
आशिक़ हूँ तुम्हारा , मैं किसी से नहीं डरता हूँ,
इससे बड़ा सच नहीं की मैं तुमसे बहुत प्यार करता हूँ.शादी के बाद
डार्लिंग,
मैं तुमसे प्यार करता हूँ
पर मेरी माँ से डरता हूँ.
तुम मुझे दर्द में भी बुलाओगी तो भी मैं नहीं आऊँगा ,
नहीं तो मैं जोरू का गुलाम कहलाऊँगा.
तुम समझो न, मैं पति हूँ तुम्हारा ,
तुम्हारे लिए दौड़ आऊं, ऐसा हूँ नहीं कोई आशिक़ आवारा– शैलजा सिंह
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An Open Letter To All the Daughters and Sons of India- Please Read!
For representational purposes only Dear daughters and sons of India,
Greetings! I am a daughter of this country, the way you are. Today, I am writing this letter to you to help you realize some very important blatant truths. These will set you free!
Do you know what those are?
The truth is that you are not born to be married. Actually no man or woman is born to be just married. Getting married will be the worst decision of your life if you don’t do it for the right reasons!
The truth is your parents should not spend their hard earned money on organizing a grand marriage celebration for you just because they want to please the relatives or even you for that matter!
The truth is you are not born to find your prince or princess charming and live happily ever after. There is no person who will rescue you from your problems and set things right. Marriage is not to find a maid or a knight who will solve all your problems and listen to all your nonsense.
The truth is there is no person on this planet who is your perfect soul mate, who was born just for you and who will understand you better than you understand yourself and will love you just the way you are. People spend lives confused about themselves; they are unable to know what they want; how do you expect them to understand you?
Even if you are marrying a guy or a girl you’ve dated for 10 years, trust me he or she will not change, so don’t try to change him or her . He or she will change in his or her own time. Marriage does not mean the rebirth or rewiring or reincarnation of person!
The truth is even if your features are perfect, you have an enviable figure, or you are tall. dark and handsome and adored by millions, there are chances that your marriage or relationship may not survive and your husband or wife may not live up to your expectations or vice versa. Having expectations in a marriage ends the game before it has even started!
Your mother-in-law is not your mother and will never be.
Hold it!
Before you just shrug your shoulders or wonder what kind of a mad woman is saying this, let me explain my point of view.
- Girls, you were not born to be married: In the olden days, marriage was about security. You see it was a very male dominated society, where men could do whatever they wanted. So, in order to save the women from all kinds of pitiable fate, the law makers decided to make a new law. Women who were married to men had to wear some kind of a mark on them for people to recognize them as married. These married women were the property of the men they were married to and no other man could look at them. In that society, so long the girl was unmarried, she was not safe from lecherous advances of men. So, the parents decided that marriage was the safest option for their daughters. Today, we live in better times (relatively). Most girls can earn and fend for themselves. Most girls know how to defend themselves. So, you don’t have to get married just because the society is telling you to or your parents are telling you to.
- In the early days when parents married their daughters off to these men, they also had to express their gratefulness by gifting them wealth. Since the girl was not educated and ensuring her needs are met was her husband’s responsibility, this wealth was also considered as a means of sharing the burden. However, today men and women can earn their bread and butter and earn their own money and create their own lives. So don’t let your parents spend their hard earned money on a lavish marriage or lavish gifts.
- Marriage should not be about compulsion. Marriage should be about choice. You don’t have to get married but you choose to get married. However, even if you choose to get married, be under no illusion. Prince Charming or princess perfect does not exist. The person you will get married to will have his or her own problems, will in all probability not understand you most of the times (unless he or she has been transported from planet Perfect which is located in Goodness Knows Where galaxy). So do not expect him or her to solve your problems. You both can work on solving problems together but marriage is not a one man show. Both husband and wife have to work together.
- Husband is not a soul mate or any mate, not for the first few years anyways and same is the case with you. If you are very lucky, then you are an anomaly and we are not talking about you. Your husband will not love you the way you are, not initially. He will get used to the way you are. The more you spend time together, have patience, the more you will get to know each other and understand each other. However, there are plenty of friends you can hang out with rather than pressurizing your spouse to spend their time with you.
- These days marriages don’t really survive unless you want it to thrive and are willing to work without your mobile and laptop and with your partner! You may do your best, your husband or wife may be a great person but still marriages break because of stress, constant problems and more. So, quit having expectations. Marriage can only survive with loads of patience and love..
- A mother-in-law can never be a mother. Do not confide in her excessively. As of now, with your entry into her life, she is insecure about her position in her son’s or daughter’s life and can use anything to show him or her that she is more bothered about him or her than you are. However, please treat her kindly and nicely.
- You’ve known this guy or girl for so many years (unless it was a quickly arranged marriage). After marriage, he or she is the same way; irritable, irrational and forever upset. Let me ask you this…will you change? Did you change? How can he change overnight! So don’t expect him to change.
- NEVER EVER MARRY AN ALCOHOLIC! THAT DOESN’T WORK DESPITE YOUR BEST INTENTIONS!
- DON’T TRY TO RESCUE MEN OR WOMEN OR FIX THEIR LIVES BY MARRYING THEM AND THEN EXPECT THEM TO BE GRATEFUL TO YOU AND WAIT ON YOU HAND AND FOOT!
- Mistakes can happen. If you made a wrong choice, do not make it the second time. It is okay to be alone till you do not find someone who is worthwhile.
- Men or their families are not evil or bad. Just like you, they have their own problems and challenges. Just because they don’t agree with you or understand you doesn’t make the villains of your life!
Remember!!!!
No marriage is perfect.
Everyone is struggling.
Patience is very important.
Control your expectations. Be fair.
Please don’t get married because you have to get married. Your parents may be forcing you today but if you do not agree, they will eventually come around. Marriage is not a solution to loneliness, sometimes people are more lonely after marriage.
Please get married if you choose to be together. And this choice has to be made everyday because humans are not monogamous by genetics. It is an enforced, conditioned behavior which becomes a part of us over a period of time.
Marriage is a very small part of life girls. Don’t make it such a big part or the only part of your lives that you stop living life itself!
Do think about it!
Warm Regards,
Shailaza
#faith_the_mystery_of_the _missing_girl
#novel_by_shailaza_singh
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Small Interactions that Change Lives
Read and Written Yesterday, I was browsing through my old messages on Facebook. One of these messages was from an actor. I had liked his work and had written a message complimenting him about the work. He wrote back saying that he was looking for some scripts. At that time ( ten years ago), I had not thought about writing anything of my own though as a journalist, I was writing for newspapers etc.
The interesting bit was that his query was quite a general one. But at that time, I percieved it as an inspiration. I ended up writing my first novel . The protagonist in my novel was given his first name. Oddly, the communication stopped after that message. Probably because the interaction had served its purpose and the message had been delivered.
The result of this interaction was that my novel Faith- The Mystery Of The Missing Girl, was published and those who read it loved it. And it all started because of this little conversation on Facebook.
Come to think of it, we meet so many people in our lives. People who are not related to us or will never even be a part of our lives. They work like catalysts- a word, a spark or a trigger speeds up the reaction but they are never the part of the reaction. They become the messengers from the universe delivering the right message to the right person at the right time.
All of us become messengers for other people. You don’t have to be an actor or a celebrity or someone known to impact a stranger’s life. You may even never realize the role your actions or words or even a smile played in completely changing some one’s life and perhaps you will never even know. Or maybe none of us need to know! Perhaps this is what synchronicity is all about.
What do you think? Has something like this happened with you? Please share in the comments section!
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Don’t React- Just Respond
‘Don’t react!’ said my father as I looked at my cousin who was glaring at me. She had come to stay with us for a few days. My cousin does not take no for an answer. If she likes something, she wants it and if her demand is not fulfilled, she flies into a rage. This was one of those instances when she had asked me for a pair of earrings that she had taken a fancy to. I blatantly refused since that pair was very dear to me.
Ten years ago when this incident happened and my father asked me not to react to my cousins accusations, I was puzzled. I wanted to tell my cousin what I exactly thought of her. However, my father told me to keep quiet and just go to my room. I did not give her the earrings and went to my room seething in anger. After some days, my cousin went back to her house.
Since then, like most people, I have encountered a lot of situations and problems in life. In many situations, I wanted to say exactly what I felt at that moment but refrained from doing so. And in a way, I am glad I did. Perhaps, I would have burnt a lot of bridges, broken a lot hearts and hurt a lot of people who were already seething within their own boiling anger. That would have even damaged my relationships with them for all time. But, that did not mean, I did not say what I wanted to tell them. I did RESPOND to them when their anger had subsided and things had cooled down. I waited for the right time not to tell them about how I was right but to speak to them about the situation.
My father does not react to a lot of things that are said to him by different people. He hears people out and keeps quiet. He thinks and mulls over it for some time before he decides the appropriate course of action. According to him, when you react, you give away your power to the other person and that takes away all the control of the situation.
In the olden days, when armies used to invade another state or country, they would always surround the state before the actual invasion and ask them to surrender. The ruler of the state in question had a choice; he could either just jump into the war without thinking or he could ask for time and plan his strategy. Generally, people who adopted the second course of action were more likely to win the war.
Today, in a world which is constantly bombarded with facebook posts, tweents, instagram moments, we are being constantly asked to react to events and people. We either like or dislike a situation depending on the emotion governing us at the time. We don’t think about it, we don’t mull over it; we simply react and that is what we do in our relationships too. We get upset, we get angry, we say bad words to each other and we don’t realize that in the heat of the moment we have destroyed something so fragile and irrepairable!
What if we remember that the other person is not reacting to us but his perception of us. What if we remember that most people don’t react to the situation but the pain or the memories or the insecurities that the situation triggers inside them? What if we remember that most people are nothing but beings locked up in their houses which are haunted by ghosts, fears, negativity and apprehensions that have been accumulated over years and it is through these filters that they view every situation!
Do you react or respond to any situation or people who are angry, upset or irritated with you? Do let me know in the comments section!
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